Kim Answers Your Questions: Help! My Family Cut Me Out of Their Lives

*This transcript was auto-generated*

Kim Gravel: Coming up on The Kim Gravel Show. Woo Lord, I got a word. People gerd your loins when what you are doing and that that's striving to be perfect takes the joy out of the actual experience. That's your red flag.

Opening Introduction: Let's just go on and spill the tea. This is The Kim Gravel Show. This is one of the realest persons I've ever met in my darn life. You gotta watch this. My mission is to encourage every single woman, we're here to lift y'all up. There's no one more effective than moms. You mess with the bull. You going to get the horns. I need coffee. I need Jesus and I need therapy. If you can bring a smile to people's faces, why would you not? We love our kids. We love our husbands. What a blessing. We're gonna dedicate this to you in finding your superpower. Okay girl. True confidence is knowing who you are and why you're here.

Hey y'all. This is The Kim Gravel Show and this season we are leveling up our lives, stepping into our calling and purpose, and we're gonna do that together. We're gonna start today. This is gonna be a great show. I love it. This podcast for so many reasons. One, because, I love you Zac, and I love doing the show with you.

Zac Miller: Thanks Kim. I love you too. I was hoping I was gonna be one of your reasons.

Kim Gravel: Oh my gosh. You are. Show me, tell me the number, number one reason. And also I just love it because our community yet gets to connect again. This is another way to all come together and connect, but also, I got a lot of thoughts I wanna share and you know, I don't know if it's my age, Zac.

I don't know. I don't know if it's my life experience cuz Lord, You know, I'm not a counselor or a guru or anything like that. I'm just a regular old girl out here. Living life made tons of. You know, I think you learn from the fails, not the wins. Or at least I have in my life. So it's great. I know we've got, this episode is the listener question episode.

This is those of you who have been listening to the pod and you've had questions and things that you wanted to talk to me about or share with us, and. I'm excited about it. Zac, tell me what's going on. Cuz you've been the, you're the gatekeeper of all the questions.

Zac Miller: I'm the gatekeeper baby. So, yeah, so if you email the show, if you leave a message for us on our website, which is kimgravelshow.com, if you call our voicemail line, which is 4 0 4 9 1 3 6 4 6 oh, then we listen to, we respond to every single message we get.

So, These are a couple of the ones that like really touched me the most, and I really wanted to hear what you had to say about these. This first one's a voicemail that was left, a little while ago. And should we just get into it, Kim? Should we just go for it?

Kim Gravel: Yeah, I'm dying to hear it.

I can't wait to hear what the question is and, let's, we'll, we'll get to it right after this.

Hey, y'all, Kim Gravel here, and I'm excited about my book that's releasing very, very soon called Collecting Confidence. And I wrote it because I want everyone to feel confident. And be the confident person that you already are and walk in it. I'm hoping that when you read it, you're gonna be encouraged.

You're gonna be inspired, you're gonna laugh a little, and also you're going to take. My stories of my life, the experiences, the ups, the downs, the ins and outs, the highs, the lows, and it's been that thread in my life that has given me the confidence to be who I was meant to be. And I want it to do the same for you because you already have it inside of you from the day you were born.

To right now, it's time to start where you are, to become everything you were meant to be, and in collecting confidence, it will encourage you to do just that. Collecting Confidence comes out April 25th, and you can pre-order it now. Wherever books are sold. Let's all do this thing together and walk boldly y'all in your collected confidence.

All right, listener questions show is about to begin. Okay, Zac, so you've, I know you had a good many, you've picked two. What is this first?

Zac Miller: Okay, well let's just hear it. This one isn't that long. Okay, so I'm not even gonna cue it up. Let's just hear it. Okay. And the funny, okay, so here's the funny thing.

Let me just tell you the funny thing about this one, because this, this one would clearly put a lot of thought into this question and like maybe even wrote the question down. And it's really obvious she was writing and then she leaves. I love it. Second voicemail and it's really funny. So just, I'm gonna play you both back to back.

Okay. So here's the voice.

Kim Gravel: Oh, I'm already gonna love. I'm already gonna love it.

Zac Miller: Here's the first voicemail she left. Okay. Okay. All right, here we go.

Caller: Hey there. So I have a question for you guys Recently, I've been struggling with wanting to be perfect, but mistaking it for striving to do the best that I can or to better myself.

But if I'm honest, I've struggled with this on and off for years, and I'm sure a lot of people have too. How do you tell the difference between striving for perfection versus striving to do the best you can and being confident in the results? And how do you catch yourself going down the wrong rabbit trail of perfection? I'd love to hear what you guys think. Love you guys.

Zac Miller: Okay, so that's the first one. Wait. Let me, let, let me play the second one before you respond. Lemme me play second one.

Kim Gravel: Okay. Okay. Okay.

Caller: Hi, it's me again. That sounded really like, I don't know what the word I'm looking for is, but, perfect. Stiff my last message.

But I really do love you guys and I just wanted to make sure I said everything I wanted to say and make sure it was clear and straight to you guys. So, thanks again. I really love your podcast and, I look forward to hearing the next one.

Kim Gravel: I love it. Her question is about perfectionism and her first voicemail was done perfectly and then she called back just to make sure it was done.

Zac Miller: Perfect. That is so perfect, and I think, I think, you know, I love it. Why? Maybe this resonated with me so much cuz I'm such a perfectionist, but,

Kim Gravel: okay. I don't think perfectionism is a, an unhealthy thing. I think what it is, is it's an impossible thing to. So when you are a perfectionist, you're constantly chasing the impossibility.

You're constantly chasing the impossible. We are never, ever going to be perfect at anything. I don't care how hard we work. I don't care how much we prepare. I don't care how thin we are. I don't care how funny we are. I don't care how perfect we.

And to be honest with you, her calling back and saying, I just didn't want that to make, make it sound too stiff. Perfection and perfect is boring. So we're chasing an ideal that we're never going to be able to attain and doing it in a boring way.

Zac Miller: Right. That's why like social media's so like, you know, authentic and real and you know, not edited and blah, blah, blah.

Kim Gravel: It's so edited. I love to edit. I tell you, if you don't put that filter on it and make me look 10 years younger, I don't want you to post it. But to me that's not perfectionism. That's just being vain. Okay. That's just being vain. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be your very best, like she said.

Where is that, that fine line? Where is it that the perfectionism and striving to be your very best? There's nothing wrong. With wanting to be your very personal best, that that's fantastic. That's having ethics and character and integrity and wanting to present your very best. That's nothing wrong with that.

When it becomes a hindrance to your confidence or your people around you or your, love for what you're doing, I'm gonna tell you something. Ooh, lord, I got a word. People gerd your loins when what you are doing. And that that's striving to be perfect takes the joy out of the actual experience. That's your red flag when I started at qvc.

Even Kim of Queens, but let's take it to qvc. It's more recent. And I would stress, so my perfectionism was so outta control of like, if I don't have the perfect shoes, I don't have the perfect earrings. And if I don't say the right things on live tv, which is not, not stressful, it's very stressful.

Zac Miller: Just never perfect and never perfect.

Kim Gravel: It's never perfect. It's just like, oh my gosh, if I don't do this and this and this, we're not gonna do well. And, and when I let all of that go and just with my crazy, you know, girdle popping, you know, Sweat hog cuz I sweat like a hog and my, it would just sweat all when I just became my real self on camera.

That's when, that's when it really took off. How long did that take? It took me about a year to really understand, girl, what are you trying to be perfect on this TV show? This is so stupid. Nobody's buying, which is Ellen like Pee Peoples know authenticity when they see it and people. By perfection. People don't, people don't connect to perfection.

They connect to authenticity in who you really are, and that ain't perfect. There's something about perfectionism that robs the joy of the moment if you let it. It makes it stressful and makes it precious. When we are in our calling and we're doing what we love to do, it should be the most joyful thing we.

It's not easy, but it's joyful and effortless. So that's how you know, cuz her question was how do I know what, what is being perfectionism and what is just striving to me my very best, it's the lack of joy in what you're doing when you have lost the joy and now you're worried, stressed and pressured about doing the right thing and being perfect.

That's when you know you need to step back and reevaluate the feel of fear of.

Zac Miller: Hmm. Oh, I just got chills. You like, you like, you like waited a beat on that and I'm just like getting chills. You're like, feel fear of failure. And I'm like, you know. Yes.

Kim Gravel: Do you struggle with that ?

Zac Miller: No comment.

Kim Gravel: I used to and now, I fear that I'm not gonna fail. I'm gonna have more work. That's sort of your honestly thing, but I'm gonna tell you that, I'm gonna tell you how I overcame that fear of failure. I would just start speaking. I used to say to myself, money comes easily and naturally and freely to me.

Opportunities are around every corner that I used to say that stuff to myself out loud. I still do. This, this, this show is going to be amazing. This show is going to touch so many people's lives. This book is going to be, a monumental game changer, not only for my life, but for everybody who reads it.

That's how I talk now, and, and people might think that's crazy, but the way that I can talk about that for myself makes me believe that in others too. So that fear of failure is a real thing, but you've gotta speak not to that fear. You've gotta speak what's opposite of that fear. So if you're feeling like this show is not gonna do.

Then you say the opposite. This show is going to do well and bless a lot of people. If you have a fear of going bankrupt or not having enough money to pay your bills, you say, I'm gonna have so much money I'm gonna be able to give to others freely. Right? That's how you combat the fear of

Zac Miller: you're speaking into existence.

But that's manifesting, right?

Kim Gravel: We're manifesting. But you're also, just to make it super simple, because the show is about this and this question, it's about perfectionism. It's also. Speaking to the fear in the correct way. When you are de disciplining a child, let's say he's talked back, and I say that because that just happened to me last night during honors chemistry.

I thought I was going to ring his neck. I should not know how to balance a chemical equation. Okay. I should not know how to do that. Zac, I'm 51. Are you good at that stuff? Done my time. Do you know that stuff? No. I have to learn it so that I can help him. I do not know that stuff and I don't want to know discipline.

When you go to discipline your child, I don't look at him and go, are you stupid? You fool. You don't know how to balance or chemical call equation? No. Do I say that to him? Do I want to say that? Sure. Do I say that? No. I. You can do this. You are so smart. This is super simple. You're gonna get this in a flash, give 20 minutes bow, and you're gonna be able to do all of this.

So you speak into the fear. What you want to does work to do. How's it work? It does work. You gotta a on the test today, just text me. Takes 20 minutes. Amazing. You, you're, you're, you are telling the fear what to do. It's not telling you what to do. Does that make sense? I love that. So, To answer your question, when does it become perfectionism and when does it become striving to do your very best?

When the joy is gone, the pressure is on, and when you forget to just enjoy that journey.

Zac Miller: I'm not even impressed with. I mean, I'm impressed with the answer, but I'm more impressed, Kim, that you were able to actually remember the question. Cuz at this point I don't even remember the question.

Kim Gravel: Hey, that just goes to show you we ain't perfectionist baby.

Zac Miller: There you go, baby.

Kim Gravel: All right, we got another question right after this.

Okay, everybody, we are back. This is the listener question episode. I'm so excited. I love these questions, Zac, because you know, it keeps us in communication in, I love having listener question episodes because truly I'm the wisest person I know. And do you know how I know?

Zac Miller: Hey, Kim, how do you know that This is definitely not a trick question at all, and I'm just gonna ask you, how do you know that, Kim?

Kim Gravel: Because I'm gonna tell you, I have a great, I'm the wisest person I know because I know that I don't know anything. That's a drop mic right there. Yeah, that's it. I'm serious. I mean it, it's when someone comes at you and says, I've got all the answers, run. Because it's, it's the not knowing that really makes you wise, cuz we're always learning and growing and I love how we're doing this together.

So, Zac, gimme my second question. I can't wait to hear it.

Zac Miller: Okay. This is perfect because this next person, so this question. This person sent an email that was really heartfelt, and then I had a conversation with her, and she actually talked about your wisdom, Kim, in this. So this is like the perfect setup,

Kim Gravel: the wisdom that I know that I don't have, and that's how I know I'm wise.

Okay, good.

Zac Miller: Exactly. There you go. Yep. So, take a listen. Right now

Caller: I'm a very, very young 62. I can't. 62 work a little bit with a little agency here called Southwest Florida Model, and that's why I love Kim's fashion. I just love fashion and my daughters are 40 and 43. I don't wanna have Two boys. Four years ago she picked up the children, she come in my house, it's in a very soured mood, and she left and I have not seen her or heard her voice in full of years.

She texts me. I'm done. I don't wanna see you. I don't let you around my kids. I'm done. So I reached out to my eldest, I, what's going on? And she said, mama, I'm not sure. And then little by little she pulled away. So I don't know. I'm not, you talk about broken, but I listened to Kim and, and that gal, what the. She gets such great advice and she stays. I'm not a therapist, you know, I'm not a psychologist, which is her everyday wisdom. I say to myself every day, Susie, maybe they'll call you two days if I never get that call, I don't know. Maybe I ask Kim, how do I get that call? I'll feel. There night where I just can't please that I replay for podcast and I'll pick up something different every single time and when I don't feel so brokenhearted.

Kim Gravel: You know, Susie, I don't know the dynamics. Of your family. Every family's different. And I know this for a fact, that every family has their problems. Every single family has their problems. But I'm gonna tell you this right now, and I don't have any, like, I'm not a therapist, I'm not a psychologist. I don't know the clinical ways to talk.

All I know is what I would do in the situation and what God says we need to do.

But Susie, I would not give up or give in on your girls and those grandbabies for nothing.

I would fight tooth and nail and what that fight looks like. Could be absolute prayer, could be soul searching. It could be you don't give up contacting. You text them every single day. I love you. I miss you. I'm praying for you. You don't give up ever. And I know you're hurting and I know you're alone. I can't even imagine.

I really can't. And look, my kids aren't grown yet. And this might happen to me too cuz Lord knows I'm crazier than, you know, one armed paper hanger out here. And my kids have a lot to not talk to me about. So I, I can't even begin to even understand what that feels like. But I'm gonna tell you, you're 62, you're gorgeous.

I can hear the life in your voice. You have a lot of life to live. I wouldn't give up.

Ever. I don't know that particular situation. Who knows what these girls are going through? Maybe they're going through something that, you know, cuz we always bring our parents, Zac, for everything. I mean, I, I mean I've had two of the most best parents in the world and I've blamed them for things that I go through that we're human beings as parents.

I mean, Lord, help, I mean, I'm serious. My kids have a world of things to hold against. When it come, when they get older, they're gonna be, they're gonna need therapy. You know, we all need therapy, Kim. We all need therapy. But I mean, I'm not the best parent in the world, but I do know this. They are well loved, whether they believe it or not.

And I'm gonna tell you something, Susie, keep loving those girls. Keep loving those grandchildren and don't stop whether they wanna receive it right now or not. I don't know. I don't know. But I, I will tell you, you're a strong woman and no matter what has happened in the past, in any parts of your family, do not give up.

Do not, because family is forever. It's dysfunctional and it's not fun, and it's always not lov. It's forever. And Zac, I, I,

I will tell you it is, it is hard to be a parent at any age and stage in life. It's the most, and you know this, that cuz you, you, you love your girls with everything you've got, but you're exhausted like me 98% of the time. And, and it's that unconditional love for them that keeps us even going. That's hard.

I'm gonna be praying about that. That's got to be hard on you. But I tell you, you keep doing the right thing and the right things will happen to you. I know that for sure. God does not take us down a road he cannot navigate. Zac, that's a hard one. That touched one.

Zac Miller: That was a hard one. Do you think, I have a question for you though, Kim.

So where's like the, what's the confidence lesson there? Right? Is it just having the confidence to just keep sort of reaching out, having the confidence to keep going? I mean, facing rejection like she's facing right now, that's tough. I don't care who you. She's out there on her own.

Kim Gravel: So she says she's alone. It's hard to, to when you are being rejected, when you are being told by your own children that they don't wanna see you or talk to you anymore. And I'm sure she's being blamed for whatever this situation is cuz they said they can't take it anymore. So that's, they can't take, I don't know what they can't take Susie.

But I mean, they're blaming you for it, you know, it's hard. It's. But you have to have that confidence and that security to know and step into the love that I know you have for those girls and those grandchildren. And it's hard. And I'm gonna tell you, you're strong and God's gonna see you through it. Like you said, you're a praying woman.

And, but I, I love it when people say, well, I'm praying for you and that's a great thing and I'm not discounting that at all. But I think you've got to take it even a step further, pray and then take action and tell 'em, and show 'em how you. And I don't, I'm saying it every day or whatever, whatever the cadence is that you feel comfortable with.

But I would let them know on a regular basis, I know you don't wanna talk to me. I'm here. I love you. I know you don't wanna see me. I'm here. I love you. I know you're mad at me and don't wanna, you know, you might not even love me, but I'm here and I love you. And, and Susie, when you do that, from my personal experience, that really takes a load off of.

Because you're doing all you can to make it right. And I just know that unless their hearts are so hardened, which they're probably not, they're probably hurt, but they're not, probably not hardened that it'll come back around. And when it does call back, cuz I wanna hear that story.

Zac Miller: What about the personal work?

Like, like working on yourself because obviously something happened. I mean, there's obviously something there and she's claiming to not see it and not have any idea.

Kim Gravel: Well, that could possibly be though. That truly can possibly be, I mean, there are people that have hurt me and have what I consider done me wrong, and they have no clue what they've.

And I've held it against them. I mean, I mean, I'm serious. This is, I mean, this is human nature. This is how communication goes. We are piss poor communicators at best. We do not as humans, and especially in today's society, know how to communicate our feelings in a way that's well received. We, we are, we hold them in and we blame and we, I mean, I'm guilty, but whatever the reason we, we won't know.

Maybe Susie doesn't even know, but she can. Work on herself. And, and try to, to not, but don't beat yourself up, Susie. You can't, you can't sit there and lament and, and get down and depressed and, and try to figure out what you may or may have not done. Cuz we don't, and none of us know me like, like if you have no idea either, I mean you don't know.

But what we can do is love anyway cuz love conquers. It might not conquer all tomorrow or next week or a year from now, cuz it don't give us a timetable on when it conquers, but it does conquer all.

Right. It's beautiful. Keep us posted. Susie. I'm here for you. Girl. Listen to the podcast.

Call us, let us know what's going on. I wanna hear a follow up. I'm believing for big things. I think you're going to find that, it'll turn around. I'm hoping. So, you know, we, we live in a world today, Zac, where we tell people.

If it's difficult, don't do anything but just let it go. We don't need them. When we we're in a, we're in a very disposable society, let me say that. Not a lot of sticking it out and gritting it out these days is being celebrated, but those people who stand in the face of fear, in the face of adversity, in the face of being challenged, being fought, Being hurt and almost destroyed.

When you can stand, that is the true win of life. Doesn't matter what has happened to you, just know it's happening through you for a reason. And don't ever give up. Ever, ever, ever give up. All right, y'all. Keep those questions coming in. Call us. Let us know your question. Email Zac But keep in touch and just know that, you're fearfully and wonderfully made.

There's only one of you on this planet. And walk in your confidence in that uniqueness that is you, and walk in it boldly. Till next time, everybody, I'm Kim Gravel. This is Zac.

Zac Miller: I'm Zac. Hey, bye.

Kim Gravel: And we love y'all. Hey, and bye. We love you.

Zac Miller: I just hit the wrong button twice. How to do anything. It turns out okay.

Kim Gravel: Well join the club. I just went and had a colonoscopy. I know it's over share.

Zac Miller: I've gonna pick a sound effect right here for that. It's just gonna be like,

Kim Gravel: yeah, that is my middle name. Procrastination Nation. Kim Procrastdonation.

I'm awful. The Kim Gravel Show is produced and edited by Zac Miller at Uncommon Audio. Our associate producer is Kathleen Grant, the Brunette Exec. Production help from Emily Bredin and Sara Noto. Our cover art is designed by Sanaz Huber at Memarian Creative and Mike Kligerman Edits the show and a special thanks to the team at QVC.

Head over to kimgravelshow.com and sign up for our mailing list. Again, we can't do this without you, so thank you for listening, and we love you.