I Need Coffee, I Need Jesus, and I Need Therapy with Toi Sweeney

*This transcript was auto-generated*

Kim Gravel: All I need you to say is like, Wow, babe, you look great. Or, Wow, babe, you're gonna get through this is gonna be great. And he just sits there and looks at me like he said, Well, i bought you a Chick-fil-A biscuit.

Hey y'all, and welcome to LOL with Kim Gravel. This is a comedy podcast for women where we laugh about the messiness of life and we turn that mess into our message of confidence and hope. You see, my mission is to encourage everybody, especially women, we wanna lift everybody up here, and that's what this show is about, how we can embrace our true selves, our authentic selves, and laugh about the stuff that life throws our way.

So if you're ready, I know I'm ready. Let's live out. Laugh out loud and let's love out loud. Let's do it right now, y'all. Here we go.

Hey, did you like my little dance Zac?

Zac Miller: I love your dance, Kim.

Kim Gravel: Okay, so real quick, the reason I'm doing that is because, I've decided, I've made it my life's mission for the next like couple of years.

Cause like Bo is 15, he's got his drivers license. I've got two more years with him and then he's graduating. My youngest is eighth grade. He's going to high school next year. And I have made it my life go for the next two to four years to do everything I possibly can to embarrass my children. While I have it.

Zac Miller: It shouldn't be that hard.

Kim Gravel: What you trying to say there? What are you trying to say there?

Zac Miller: I'm trying to say when you're, you know, 13, you're embarrassed by anything your mom does.

Kim Gravel: No, I'm serious. Like it doesn't matter. Cause I'm not trying to toot my own horn here. Hold on. Okay. Wait.

I'm trying.

Zac Miller: Are you a cool mom?

Are you a cool mom? I wanna know right now. Do you consider yourself.

Kim Gravel: I am the coolest person. These people? No. and let me tell you why I can, I can give receipts of why that is the case. Okay. So I was on a reality TV show, Kim of Queens. First it has my name in the title and second of all it was with young, beautiful girls of all ages of all types of all working in pageant.

So I bring the legit chick factor to my boys' life. Okay. Right, No, I'm serious.

They get to, they to hang out with beauty queens.

Like, I go to the school, every, every little girl I give a queen and my boys run like I have the plague. I'm like, Are you dumb? Worked it, I get no love. I get no cool factor.

You know granted, I am a little vocal when it comes to the basketball games and stuff, and I don't know what I'm saying. You know, I'm like, hands up guard. Go to the. My God, I'm such an idiot. I said, Go to the paint. Go to the paint. And Travis goes, Do you know what the paint is? I'm like, I have no idea.

But I heard a the mother's say it. Okay, so the reason

Zac Miller: She doesn't how to play basketball, but she'll do a running commentary.

Kim Gravel: The reason I'm like complaining a little bit about my kids, which is what I do all the time, people think,

Zac Miller: Do you hate your children?

Kim Gravel: No. They make me so angry.

About 98% of the time, I love the dirt they walk on. But our next guest has a son who's in the arts. He's very artistic, he's very smart, he's very, And I'm like, No, I have to get basketball players, which I have no idea what I'm doing. You know, like if I had a son that was in the arts and, and that I, he, I would be the coolest mom around.

So everybody, welcome to the show. The Cool Mom Toi Sweeney.

You're so cool. You get your own theme song.

Toi Sweeney: I was not expecting that. You

Kim Gravel: gotta do again. Do it again. I love it so much. Do it again.

Toi Sweeney: I need to make that my ring tone. When I rise in the morning. With with the intro like that. You don't just get out of bed, you have to rise

Kim Gravel: Now we can hear the plumber.

We can hear the plumber.

Zac Miller: We can totally hear the plumber. He's got plumbers.

Kim Gravel: Let's incorporate it into the show. No, wait a minute. Can we bring, Can we bring the plumber in?

Toi Sweeney: Don't think he didn't ask. Don't think he was like, You sure you don't?

There's two of them. Are you sure you don't want us in the background? But. Hello. They're in the background anyway. .

Kim Gravel: Okay. Okay, y'all, we can't just jump in because I've got, I gotta introduce Toi. Listen, Toi Sweeney is, not only is she a dear friend she is a brand image strategist. She is an award-winning stylist.

She's a speaker, she's an author. She's on her fifth edition of her book Secrets of a Well Dressed Band. I've read it. I have a hard copy. But she's my dear friend and she's the coolest mom I know. Welcome Toi Sweeney.

Toi Sweeney: So I love it. I love the fact that I called you led with cool mom. My only goal is to be famous in my house, and so as long as I'm famous in my home, I'm killing it. I'm killing.

Kim Gravel: You can be famous in your house. I'll be infamous in mine. That's how it's going. Toi. I'm telling you.

I don't know if it's I'm old or I've just, I'm just don't care anymore, but like I am. Going to just slap the teeth right out of their mouth about 98% of the time has, has Tucker gotten into the whole attitude? Teen roll eyes.

Toi Sweeney: Okay. Oh, are you kidding me? I mean, he got out insults me half the time. If he's not calling me old, he, you know he's critiquing my outfits, or you know, just like in his own episode of Mean Girls, he asked for a burn book the other day and I was like, Am I gonna be the only one

He asked, they have on, and he was, he pulls up Amazon. Oh. And he was, I'm gonna need a burn book. I said, For what?

Zac Miller: can I don't know what a burn book is. I dunno what a burn book is.

Kim Gravel: Jesus. Am I supposed to bless it Lord?

Toi Sweeney: A burn book is the notebook that they had in mean girls where they would gather information about all the people in school and put all the things, you know, like when somebody's busting on you, you're like, Ooh, burn.

They will put all the burns in the book.

Kim Gravel: Zac, your burn would be that you wear a lot of plaid shirts. That would be your burn.

Zac Miller: Okay. All right. Thanks Kim. Thank you.

Kim Gravel: I love your book because it shows a different way to look at personal brand image. You're not just saying, Look, put, put a nice outfit together. Right?

That's not what you're saying when you're talking about personal brand strategy. What are you talking about? Because everybody's sitting here going, Well, I'm just a stay-at-home mom, and I'm definitely not a cool mom. Why do I need a personal brand image? Why do I need a personal brand?

Toi Sweeney: Well first of all, you have one anyway, right?

Because you're known rather. You rather you like it or not. You know when you pull up or you roll up into that school or the PTA or you're volunteering and people are like, Here comes Tyler's mom, here comes Jordan's mom, here comes, you know, Skyler's mom, they have a, they already have an image of you and they already know in their mind what to expect when you show.

So you might as well show up well dressed. And that does not mean that you need to be fanciful . It doesn't mean that it's just that you are, You get the opportunity to control the narrative. You get to decide what they're thinking, what they're feeling when you show up. . And the other side of that coin is that the book leans into the psychology of it all.

So maybe you get up like all of us do, and you're not feeling that great about yourself. You know, you let that mean girl whisper, start to come, you know, outside of your mouth, into your inner thoughts of you're not enough, you're too this, you're too that level. What? Right? And I'm old, I'm this, I'm to this, I'm to that.

And you just, you need to shut her down, you know? Or even him down. It. If you are leaning into things like the psychology of color, you know, really understanding that we give a specific pair, you know, of jeans or a a top, we give it meaning. And so you get to decide if you're gonna get up that day and put on your power.

Or if you're gonna get on your day, get up and put on something that makes you feel mediocre. And so I'm, that's kind of the quick version of what it's about.

Kim Gravel: Well, in, in your five year anniversary edition of this book, you got to give everybody a tease of what those secrets. Or to me when the knowledge is power and knowing these little things, and it's helped me tweaking these little things when I'm in the business meetings, Look, you're lucky I got a bra and I brushed my teeth if I'm going out to the school , okay?

So my kids are just gonna have that unkept like it's something wrong with her mother at the school. And I'm okay with that. But like when, when I'm going to meetings and I'm going to, you know, things where I'm trying to put. Best self image for it. What are the secrets that I need to know? I mean, I know cuz I have the book, but I mean, what are the secrets you would tell us?

Toi Sweeney: Well, I think the first thing that you have to ask yourself is when you consider where you're going and who's going to be there, what is it that you want to say? What do you want that person, that crowd to think? What do you wanna say? You know, and also consider, like I said, how are you feeling that morning?

Once you kind of decide if you want what you wanna say. So one of the things that I hear often is, I wanna be approachable. I wanna see, I wanna become friendly, you know, I wanna be seen as friendly and approachable, and blah, blah, blah. So then we lean a little bit into the psychology of color. Well, if you want to be someone that's friendly and trusted in all of these things. Then blue might be the color that you wanna wear that day. If you wanna seem author and and elegant, you know, maybe black. If you want to say, Hey, I'm bringing something different to the table. I need them to be able to change from the.

The old leader of whatever you know, anything over to me where you know, and try something new. Think about Apple and all of their white packaging. So then white represents hope in new beginnings. That's why Apple's theory is think different, you know, And so, You wanna lean into that a little bit, then decide what it is that you wanna say, and then you can kind of start putting your look together accordingly.

There is a very distinct difference between an outfit, which is like a jeans and t-shirt, right? As opposed to a look. Anybody can wear an outfit, but you really need to know who you are and what you're trying to represent to be able to pull off a look.

Kim Gravel: Well Toi what do you say to that woman watching right now who is insecure with her appearance or her look.

Toi Sweeney: Those kinds of thoughts in complete transparency, they don't come out of thin air, so you have to always get to the root of the problem, right? Because the root is gonna produce the fruit. We know that. So you have to get to the root of the problem. So who told you that?

When you're looking in the mirror and you're saying, I'm to this, I'm to that I don't like the way I look. Who? Where did that come from? Who told you that? Because until you start to slay those mental dragons, It's gonna be hell all around you, quite frankly, you know? And so you have to slay that dragon first.

That dragon is a beast. So you need to get to the root of who told you that, and then consider the source. And so I always recommend, listen, I need. Three things in life. I need coffee. I need Jesus and I need therapy.

Kim Gravel: That's a good threesome. That's a really good threesome.

Toi Sweeney: No, are the three things at this stage and in this age of my life. I know I can.

Kim Gravel: That's the name of the episode,

Toi Sweeney: but I think that you have to be able. To the root of that, because, you know, one, you need to find out who the creator says you are.

But let's be honest, I read all the time about who God says I am. But it wasn't until I went to therapy that I started to understand, you know, who ignited that dragon inside of me that says, You're not smart. You're, you're not beautiful. You're, you're, you're, you're cute considering how dark you are, you know, and all of.

Kim Gravel: Oh, okay. Okay, Toi, we have to stop right there because I just had this like aha light bulb moment because do you see how these negative thoughts and the enemy attacks something you cannot change? Okay. Y'all, this is so deep. You're gonna have to just come on Toi. Let's go down this road together.

No, I'm serious. It's almost like you can't change your skin color. No. And so the enemy attacks that knowing it's a permanency it, it's a, it's a, What's that word? It's permanent on you. So of course that would be the very thing he would try to. You up at or trip us up out of the things that we can't change, but those are the things that make us so beautiful and special.

Toi Sweeney: Oh, absolutely. And that was an outside voice. That was never something that I said, you know, to myself. But I did my, I did my TEDx around story, and one of the things I talk about is that we have the story that we tell ourselves. We have the stories that other people place upon us, and then we have the.

You know, and so this, you know, when you're talking about even with Secrets of the Well Dress brand, it's an opportunity for you to stand in your God-given power. Come on now talking about in the book that, you know, I talk about Esther and how we were made in the image of God and all of us were made with such a time of as this.

So you can't change one thing because it'll change everything. Everything. But you have to get to the root so that when those voices come, when the enemy starts to attack, you can stare Satan right in the face and say, Not today. That's not true. It's not happening. Here's what we're not going to do. We're not gonna believe that because it's just simply not true.

I'm in my last year in my forties. So next July, right before your birthday, because we are July babies. I'll be 50 and so watch this.

Kim Gravel: Oh, Toi. Welcome to the 50 club.

Toi Sweeney: I'm not worried about. I know. Look, this black, steady not cracking. Okay. I know that I need to lose a good 20, 30 pounds, you know, So I got me too.

Right? And, you know, and nobody talks about like the hormones and the things that, like, remember, I remember being in my twenties and I would like forget to eat, you know, I'd have like a, and like a cup of hot tea, and It was on and popping. I, my mom would say, Who in the world could eat that? Full and I would be stuffed.

And now I'm just like, No, I need you to give me all the things cuz I wanna take all Lord have mercy. I was in Atlanta, went to Papa's, I nearly ate that place outta business.

Kim Gravel: Oh God.

Toi Sweeney: So right. All of that to say. You know, I was standing in the mirror the other day and I ended up doing a live about this because I was, you know, I could have been like, Ooh, oh, and this is too tight and this fit, but I put on things that fit to this body, and I sat back in the mirror and I was like, Listen.

I love this. I said, You know, these curves are a lot curvier than I would want them to be, but I love every ounce of these curves. You know? I was like, I just do, and I can't say that that has really ever happened like that. Where I was not where I wanted to be, and I still was like, okay with me. And I know that that is the result of like the two things I did for myself this year was get a plant-based food coach and a therapist, and I was just standing there and I was like, You know what, this is okay.

You know?

Kim Gravel: What the heck is a plant-based food coach? I have never heard that before in my entire life. , only you Toi.

Toi Sweeney: Oh, if I had some hair, I would, I would flip it. Flip it, flip it, flip it.

Kim Gravel: That is the bougiest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. A plant based food coach.

Zac Miller: That's a flex. You know what it is? It's just like, Look, I talked to my plant based food coach .

Toi Sweeney: No. I have this exceptional plant-based coach. Her name is Lauren, and it's just, it's just all plant-based food. So she's incredible. It's completely affordable and she just gives you everything from a meal plan to a workout, but it really is just, You know, I'm not, I'm not normal.

So I was like, I don't need this part of the program. I just need encouragement. Right? , Because I'm the worst. I'm the worst client ever, ever.

Kim Gravel: You gotta gimme a second. I'm gonna, my trainer, and I'm gonna say, Look, I don't need your expertise. I just need encouragement. I don't need to work out.

Toi Sweeney: And I'll put that in context because I've been on an office like plant-based train for like over a decade. And so, so I did follow, She gives you recipes and like all of those things and she'll guide me like, You need to add more greens or just like put some caramel in that blueberry smoothie and all of those things.

But there's a workout, but you know, she'll just be like, you'd have to check in. I don't want.

Kim Gravel: We don't want that.

Toi Sweeney: You know? I was like, well, because like I'm not, I don't always play well with others, so I'm not joining your Facebook group. I'm not joining your,

I ain't paying you premium rate.

Kim Gravel: I ain't joining your Facebook group. I don't need your workout. I'm good. You get on my, you get on my nerves. I just need encouragement. Girl. What do I need to put in a smoothie? . Oh my God, I love you so much.

Toi Sweeney: Was like just being honest. That's truth. Like I'm not, I'm probably not gonna join your Facebook group.

Like I'm probably not , but I will send you my workouts every day. I will. Send you pictures of my food, which I did do, and I will partake of the recipes and that's what I did. And then you have a call every two weeks where you check in and you just kind of talk about like where you know your downfall.

But because I did it with therapy, I got to see the source of when I overeat. And that was real. That was life changing for me.

Kim Gravel: I'm going to tell my husband that. I'm gonna say, Travis, I don't need you to touch me. I don't need that. I just need your encouragement. , no, Travis. And I've been arguing for like weeks and it's like I'll say something and he's trying to fix it or trying to, I'm like, What the crap are you just shut up.

I just need encouragement. And he goes, And so he goes, he goes, I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I'm like, Just be say, Oh honey, that's horrible. You are fantastic. That's, How hard is that? Do you not know what encouragement?

Toi Sweeney: What's your love language.

Kim Gravel: It's words of affirmation. It's words of encouragement.

I don't need you to buy me no gift. I don't need you to do clean out the garage. I do acts of service. All I need you to say is like, Wow, babe, you look great. Or Wow babe, you're gonna get through this. It's gonna be great. And he just sits there and looks at me like he said, Well I bought you Chick-fil-A biscuit.

I'm like,

Toi Sweeney: That doesn't work.

Kim Gravel: That's gonna be my new go-to. I don't need you to do all that. I just need encouragement. That's what I'm saying. When he starts saying, That really works, I'm gonna. Just shut it. Shut it.

Toi Sweeney: You need a Tucker Sweeney in your life.

Kim Gravel: I told you. I'm not a cool mom. I'm not a cool mom. I'm a cruel mom.

Toi Sweeney: He is, he is my biggest fan. He's my biggest fan. And he is a, a walking ball of encouragement. And so like,

Kim Gravel: thank, thank to for being on the show. Thank you. Bye. . . Ah, thank you so much. Bye. We love you,

All right, everybody. That was Toi Sweeney. She had to go because.

He is so wonderful. I get all the encouragement I need. These men of ours, this is, this is, I say, what is the assignment for tomorrow's son? Yes. No. What is the assignment for tomorrow? Yes. Go get the disease brochure from Coach Lane. I mean it Son, what is the assignment?

Zac Miller: He's trolling you.

Kim Gravel: Then he says, then he says, Mom, can I use $5 for a drink and a snack, please? . So that means he's got my credit card saved in his account. When is the assignment due? Yes. Yes. I'm out . That's it Now.

Let me read you some of these texts. This is just today. Can you please give me money for Kona Ice, The Kona Ice guys there?

Sure. How much do you. Okay, thanks.

Toi Sweeney: He was like, I got your card. I just didn't wanna hear about it later. It's all good.

Kim Gravel: Said Travis. Right now I just need encouragement, I need a few people in my life that could just encourage me. he goes, I dunno how to do. I said, Well, then just getting some snack crackers.

Toi Sweeney: Oh, God was gonna pee my .

Kim Gravel: Just get some snack cracksers.

Toi Sweeney: Cause maybe it's fine. I'll just encourage myself,I'm just going to just hurt.

Kim Gravel: Just some cheeses. And shut up. Just shut up .

Zac Miller: All right. On behalf of all men everywhere, we're sorry.

Kim Gravel: I've gotta talk about one thing that you have that you say that is just one of my favorite sayings that you say, and it says, Be afraid of mediocrity. Cause I gotta tell you, I resonate with that so much. Tell me what you mean and why you mean it.

Toi Sweeney: I'm working on my second book right now, and there's going to be a whole chapter on that.

Think of it as someone describing you as almost, right? That you almost climbs that mountain. You almost finish that race. You were almost, you were almost imagine that being written on your tombstone here lies, you know, Kim Gravel and she almost empowered women that never says try Yoda. Doesn't even say try.

You either do or you don't. Yoda says there is no try, right? And so, so many times we're just breaking these promises to ourself and everybody's level of greatness is different. . But you know, there was, I just watched a really good thing from Kobe Bryant and he was talking about, and the question they ask him is, Where would Shaq be if he had your work ethic?

Think about that for a minute. If he had his work ethic and he said he would be the greatest of all times. And so when you think about it from, from that perspective, you know, it's that, and I'm not saying don't rest, I'm not saying it's hustle season, I'm not saying that, but so often, myself included, we break the smallest promises to ourselves.

Something as simple as drinking , something as simple as getting up and getting, and I'm talking to myself, getting up and getting your body. Right. We break those promises to ourself and where would we be if we just leaned into however we describe as greatness? One of the, the things that I did for myself this year is that I decided that I wanted to try, I wanna try something new every month.

I took a furniture painting class. Oh my gosh. Or something new and it was cool. And you know, I didn't know how to do that. And I got to meet some new people. Then I went back to the same place and I learned how to pour epoxy on the top of furniture and create something completely different out of that.

And then last week, brace yourself.

Kim Gravel: Oh lord, what did you do? I'm a afraid to ask.

Toi Sweeney: I signed up to take a samurai sword.

Kim Gravel: Okay. So a Samurai sword class, they, they have classes for that.

Toi Sweeney: Oh my gosh, yes. Wow. Because I was thinking about it and I wasn't gonna do it. And then after I saw Woman King and my beautiful low brown baby looked at me and said, You ma'am.

Or a woman came and I was like, We gonna sign light on up. And I did. And my sensei is an 83 year old woman who, she might be German tall, blonde, blue eye, you know, built like a ruler, you know, And she's like, she's, she's only been a black belt for seven years. So that means listen up, you. She started this in her seventies.

Kim Gravel: Come on now.

Toi Sweeney: Okay, So I don't wanna hear it. Don't tell me that you can't start something new. It's never too late because she chose. It's a choice. It's freedom in that choice.

Kim Gravel: That's amazing. All right, so now, now we're gonna do the last thing we do with all of our guests, which is called the Rapid Fire Questions and Toi. I don't want you to think about this first thing that come look at. Look at, see how she is. She's fired up. Right? Right. The first thing that comes to your mind, blah. Just say it. Oh Lord. What's your favorite junk food?

Toi Sweeney: I have so many.

Kim Gravel: Just gimme two. Your top two.

Toi Sweeney: No, no. I'm gonna give you one. So right now it's, it's candy corn.

Kim Gravel: Shut up. It's so good.

Zac Miller: I love candy.

Kim Gravel: That's kinda like a drug.

Toi Sweeney: And peeps? Well, no, no. You said just one now.

Zac Miller: No, wait, wait, wait. I have a question about peeps. I have a question about peeps Toi.

Toi Sweeney: I know what you're gonna ask me.

Zac Miller: What am I gonna ask you? Stale or fresh?

Toi Sweeney: Fresh.

Zac Miller: I love them stale so much.

Kim Gravel: How did she know that? She's the girl is so in tune. She's so in my,

Toi Sweeney: I do not like them stale I'm sorry. Everybody likes them stalebut I told you I am a unique bird. I do not like them.

Kim Gravel: Okay, y'all. Now I'm starving. All right.

So. You were a QVC stylist for a long, long time. That's how you and I met. Yes, ma'am. You, you, you were my stylist and my kind of stylist coach when I was training doing my training for qvc. What is the funniest story you have from working at qvc?

Toi Sweeney: So, I wanna preface it by saying everyone to the best of my knowledge is okay.

So when you enter into qvc, there's this huge, gorgeous atrium. Yes. And there's like, what is the equivalent of a gorgeous, like glass ca, you know staircase. It's beautiful. This lights and the Christmas tree, like, it's gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. But every night around 6 30, 7 o'clock, they wax the atrium.

And so if you choose to wear high heels on that floor, you are choosing your destiny. You are choosing your destiny because, myself included, it is not uncommon to think you real cute and step onto that floor at 9:00 AM and completely wipe out carrying your. You have to be real careful when you're on .

Zac Miller: Kim Gravel. You may go.

Kim Gravel: I've done it.

Toi Sweeney: Have you done it?

Kim Gravel: But I wasn't in heels, it was just regular tennis shoes and I wiped out what do, and I've actually, people watched and watched several people do it, so it's hilarious story. Okay. Who is your celebrity crush?

Toi Sweeney: I love Alling British, so it just, because I love, I call 'em Chocolate Brits when they're chocolate and they're British.

I love a chocolate.

Kim Gravel: What is one piece of advice you would give to a woman right now developing her personal brand image?

Toi Sweeney: Everybody else needs to shut up and sit down. It's your term. Live life authentically.

Kim Gravel: And what is your next adventure.

Toi Sweeney: I'll give you something hot off the presses that is not public yet. So I'm very, very, very excited about the fact that I am moving my television show, the Well Dressed brand TV show off of Facebook, and it is now on Roku.

The app is up, the channel is up. It looks phenomenal. Yeah, I'll be streaming on Roku and Amazon Prime as well.

Kim Gravel: Secrets of a well dressed brand is coming to Roku, Amazon Fire. You're gonna be streaming, You're gonna give us all the tips and tricks. Girl, I love you so much. Y'all go pick up Tois book.

It's in its fifth anniversary. It's anywhere you can buy books yet. Amazon get it. It's so fantastic. You get tips and tricks and you get all of her hilarious moments Toi. I love you so much. Come back. Let's come back and let's talk, let's talk color and how that, how that incorporates into our, our personal brand.

Toi Sweeney: Yes, please.

Kim Gravel: I love you, girl.

Toi Sweeney: Thank you for having me. I love you guys so much.

Kim Gravel: LOL is produced and edited by Zac Miller at Uncommon Audio. Our associate producer is Kathleen Grant at Brunette Exec. Production help from Emily Bredin. Our cover art is designed by Sara Noto. A special thanks to all the team members at QVC plus, and thank you for listening. I love you.

You know what I need? I need coffee. Coffee. Jesus, and therapy. A hot mess. I live with these three men and they look at me like, Oh my God, I don't know what to say. What do I do? I don't move. So I'll start my red page and they'll just be like, Hit record. Hit record. Hit. Do you not recording this?

Why did you stop recording? Shoot, I swear.