Unlearn What's Holding You Back with Oludara Adeeyo

*This transcript was auto-generated*

Oludara Adeeyo:

You can achieve the inner peace you're looking for. And I believe that when we work on our own peace, we are also helping the community around us. We're encouraging others to see, like, yes, there's a different way to approach our daily stressors. There's a different way to cope with what we're dealing with.

Kim:

How do you do that? Welcome to the Kim Gravel show. Okay, y'all, I'm so excited about my guest today. She is a therapist who specializes in mental health for women of color. She's also a journalist who has written for magazines like Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan and xxl. She's a best selling author and she's just published her fourth book called Meditations for Black Women. 75 mindful reflections to help you stay grounded. Oh, don't we all need that and find inner peace. My guest is gonna help you approach mental health and self care topics from a different perspective.

Kim:

And that's why I had to have her on. Wait till you hear what she says, like about imposter syndrome. A lot of really good stuff. And it could be the key to unlocking y'all your next level of growth, no matter what color your skin is. I cannot wait to welcome Ola Dara Du. Okay, Ola Dara, I'm telling you, I say this to every. We spare no expense, my love. The part I love about your book is you give these devotionals, these meditations, and at the end you tell us how to take action.

Kim:

Tell us why you wrote this book, Meditations for black Women. Yeah, clearly I'm not black, but I still love it.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes, yes, yes. You know, what I feel about my work is that I prioritize black women. But I do think that as a whole, in society we can always learn from the ways black women can care for themselves. It trickles down into the rest of society. But so the reason this for this book, you know, I am a licensed clinical social worker. So as a social worker, I do believe in like tangible ways to actually work on your mental health. And so with this book I wanted us to combine quotes and from like very famous and influential black women, as you'll see in the book, and meditation or an affirmation and just a reflection on the topic that is designed for black women and, or the topic at hand and an action because I believe that yes, you can reflect, yes, you can meditate. But let's see, how can we actually implement this in your life so you can have a better quality of life.

Kim:

Quality of life. That's what we're all looking For. I mean, the older I get, the more I realize that life is short.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes.

Kim:

And I don't want to say the word wasted, but I feel like I look back on my life and go, kyle, why did I fool with that? Why did. Why didn't I spend more time in silence? Why didn't I spend more time with the Lord? Why didn't I say. I say all that because it's so short? And you say in your book the trajectory of your life changed when you started taking care of your dying mother. Can you talk about how that happened? And I get that. I can totally. Yeah, I relate to that.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah. So my mother died when I was 24. So that was. I'm. Yeah, I'm 36 now, but that was in 2013. And. But before that, she was sick. So she was about sick for about seven years.

Oludara Adeeyo:

And it started when I was in high school, and then I went to college. And so it was. I went to college away from home, but I wasn't too far. I grew up in New Jersey, but I went to school in Long island, so I wasn't too far. And I would come home often and help my family while they were taking care of my mother. But I think realizing while taking care of her, I began to reflect on my own wellness and maybe what she has taught me, because at the same time that when I came back from school, college, and I moved back home and I was working and taking care of my mom, I started to have my own health issues and related to pcos, polycystic ovarian syndrome. And I started to address those things because I was experiencing symptoms of anemia and all these things. So I took it very seriously.

Oludara Adeeyo:

And then I think also working at Cosmos, working at Cosmopolitan at the time, I think also being around that industry and wanting to be very investigative about everything and really care about my wellness, and I really started to see and reflect on my mom's life and be like, wow, how did we get here? You know, how did we get here? My mom's always been an active person. Very strong. She was very strong, very hard working. But how is now. How is she now bedridden? How is she not able to walk? And the truth of the matter is my mom has always been someone who never really put herself first. She was always, always just like, taking care of the family, the household, working really hard, taking care of my father. Like, you know, just being a wife, mother, you know, woman, caregiver. Caregiver, right.

Oludara Adeeyo:

And so I realized, I began to. I learned not taking care of myself very well from her. You know, I. I put a lot of pressure on myself. You know, I just. I was like a very hard worker my whole life. And that was kind of what my mom really taught me. And I realized how it impacted me and how it really kind of dehumanized me in a sense of just like, oh, I need to just like, not care about myself.

Oludara Adeeyo:

My work matters. My accomplishments. Accomplishments matter. My productivity matters more, you know, So I really began to be like, okay, this needs to change, because I. I don't want to. I don't want to end up like my mother. You know, she was 50 something when she was.

Oludara Adeeyo:

She passed at 62. So she was in her late. Yeah, yeah. She was in her late 50s when she got really ill and wasn't able to do all the things she was used to. Now she had people who had to help her do everything. And so that. That made me really be like, okay, yeah. Cause she also was like, you know, I realized so late in life what I wanted to do with my life, and now here I am.

Kim:

You know, I was getting ready to ask you that because I love that part where she had the wait mentality. And can I just say, I cannot tell you. I'm sure everybody listening to us right now too, can relate to the weight. Why do. Why. Let's talk about that for your mother and let's, let's delve into that a little bit. But why do you think? And then. And then we'll get to this part.

Kim:

But I just want you to be thinking on it. Why do we say, I'm going to do that when? Or I'm going to put it. Why do we wait to live our happiness?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Right. That is such a good purpose.

Kim:

Right? You got to answer it, girl.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Go. Why do we wait? There's many things.

Kim:

Why do we wait?

Oludara Adeeyo:

There's fear, there's lack of self confidence, sometimes pressure from family and friends and community to maybe follow a certain path. Lack of access. You know, sometimes if you.

Kim:

Now that's the truth.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah. If you don't have. If you grew up in a neighborhood or you grew up around people who don't see it, didn't see it. You know, you just didn't see that it was possible. And, you know, you know, I'll tie this back to a bit with my mother. When I was in high school, I. I wanted to work in magazines. And I told my mother that.

Oludara Adeeyo:

And my mother is an immigrant. I should point that out. My parents are Nigerian. And so I remember I told Her, I want to work in magazines. And she was like, that's a pipe dream.

Kim:

Say it's not a real job. I can say, get a real job.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah, get a real job.

Kim:

Essentially, doctor, be a lawyer.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes, exactly. Which is very common in, like, most households, but especially immigrant households.

Kim:

Correct. I can see that.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Fearful. They're fearful of you having to go through the same struggles they did to get stable. That my mom was like, go be a doctor. Go be a lawyer. And I quickly realized I don't want to do any of those things. But. But, yeah. So, you know, we're fearful.

Oludara Adeeyo:

We're fearful. We're also. I think there's a bit of fear in the how you look, trying to get to where you want to be, you know, sometimes.

Kim:

Nope, nope, nope, nope. Can't brush over that, girl. We're fearful of how we look. And you don't mean physicality. You mean how it looks.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes.

Kim:

Right, okay, explain, explain.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah, well, you know, we're not all experts at the thing we love immediately. Right. So it takes a while to get there. So you're going to stumble and fumble and look a little bit cringy or just like, not yourself or not the perfection air quotes. No, not the way you want to look once you arrive. So it's a stumble to get to where you want to be. And sometimes a lot of us are really fearful of looking. Like, having people look at us like, what are they doing? And I will tie it back to my life.

Oludara Adeeyo:

When I left journalism to. To become a social worker, people were like, what are you doing? Like, you work in New York. Like, you work at a. One of the top hip hop magazines at the time that I was working at work. Like, this is a great career. Like, you work in media, you go around celebrities, you go to events. And I was like, I am miserable. I'm unhappy.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Like, I am so stressed. I am worried that I'm going to become ill from the stress. Like, yeah, no, I'm right there with you.

Kim:

Yeah, yeah.

Oludara Adeeyo:

So. So I had to look. I had to look dumb to other people, right? I had to look like. Like a fool. I'll say that, right? Like, to other people, it was foolish, but to me, it was purposeful.

Kim:

The looking bad is. Is. Do you think that's just our own perception? I mean. Cause my daddy used to always say this. He said, why do you care what I said? Well, how am I. How's it gonna look to other people? He goes, honey, people ain't thinking about you no way. Don't worry about it. But we are conditioned, don't you think? Even, like, even with your mom saying, go be a doctor.

Kim:

My parents were the same way. I was like, I wanna be in entertainment. They're like, get a grip, okay? Go out and get a real job. I mean, they actually said that to me. Is it just that perception of how it looks that really, really keeps us from stepping in? I mean, I think it's a big reason why we wait. I really do.

Oludara Adeeyo:

I agree. I completely agree. It's the perception, it's the expectation. When expectation doesn't. Is when expectation and reality, like, begin to meet each other, it becomes uncomfortable. Because what. Right, because what you thought it might look like isn't what it's going to look like. And oftentimes it's actually better than maybe what you expected.

Oludara Adeeyo:

But we're so few, fearful, we're so afraid.

Kim:

Did your mom ever say to you, it's too late for me? Like, because there's a lot of people watching right now who might think it's too late, but really it's not too late unless we're six feet under. Right?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. You know, I mean, she was very faithful and she really believed that she would eventually find healing and like be able to finish her. Because she was getting her nursing degree at the time. She was really hopeful that she would be able to finish that. But she never, she actually never said it was too late for her, but she, because she was always on a journey of like trying to find herself and trying to find what worked for her. So even, you know, in her late 50s, working at a hospital trying to get this nursing degree, she was still determined.

Kim:

It's never too late. If, if. And that's what I want people to hear, even through your mother's story that she just never gave up. And, and I love your take. My friend and I, my very best friend Amy, we were driving to Atlanta yesterday and she said to me, she goes, this just came out of her mouth. She said, I just feel like I have such debilitating imposter syndrome. And I feel that too at times, but I love your take. Can you explain, first of all, can you explain what imposter syndrome is? Because there's conflicting things out there about what that means and then your take on that.

Kim:

Because I think it's beautiful.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah. You know, imposter, Imposter syndrome is really like the belief that you don't belong, that there's a lot of, that there's self doubt, a lot of doubt in what you're doing that, you know, that you don't deserve to be where you are, are. You don't deserve the accomplishments that you're experiencing. That almost a sense of like, how did I get here? Like, this doesn't make sense. This is not for me. There's someone else better than me. So just a lot of self, self doubt and lack of self belief. And so my take on it is that for a while I actually understood imposter syndrome and I leaned into it.

Oludara Adeeyo:

But as I did my own research, my own unlearning. So imposter syndrome was a study that was done on white women and how they related to their environment and what that was like for them. And so whenever, because I primarily work with, with black women and other people of color. So when anyone mentions imposter syndrome to me and I, I, I like to remind them that like you're not necessarily experiencing imposter syndrome, you're having a natural reaction to the environment you're in. So if you are in an environment that maybe is misogynistic, racist, et cetera, like you, of course you're going to feel like you don't belong, right? So it's a natural reaction to be anxious, to be fearful, to like have a lot of doubt about what you're doing because your external factors aren't validating maybe what you feel inside that you are good enough.

Kim:

I love that because it makes sense. Because I think deep down I could be wrong and I might just be pie in the sky here and correct me if I am, and you just correct me hard. But deep down I feel like we all truly know why we are here. It is the outside forces, like you said, our environments, our communities, the narrative that we're taught that really mask that.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Absolutely.

Kim:

You said it earlier. Expectation. And to me, that's why I love your book. Because you're talking about getting still, you're talking about meditating and being still. Can I ask you a really might be an uncomfortable question, but one that I have always. Because every black woman I've ever known, and this is truth, so we gonna get down and dirty with it, has always been a very secure, not perfect, but secure and grounded woman. And there are differences. I mean, I believe we're all the same in different ways, but there are differences how each of our races see the world.

Kim:

Would you agree with that and address that? Am I stepping out of line here?

Oludara Adeeyo:

No, I definitely agree with you that yeah, there are, that depending on your race, we all see the world differently because the world also Interacts with us differently.

Kim:

The experiences are different.

Oludara Adeeyo:

It's just different, you know? And so for a lot of black women, we have to be secure in ourselves, because when we go out into the world, we're going to be faced with different things that are. Their goal is to make us feel less than. And so it's important for, I believe, for black women to really try to ground themselves, to really try to be secure in themselves and do what they need to do. Because when you go outside, you are going to be faced with people who are going to try to make you feel less than, who are going to make you feel like you don't belong in the workplace, in school, et cetera.

Kim:

Well, and that gets exhausting. I mean, I know as a woman in sometimes a man's world, I'm just like, dang, I have to go around this mountain again. Like, it's. It's. It's. I lose patience for it, quite frankly. Do you? Is it exhausting?

Oludara Adeeyo:

It absolutely is exhausting. And I sometimes have to limit my interaction with men.

Kim:

That's what I'm missing. That's what I'm missing, girl, I got to limit my interaction.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Exactly, Exactly. Exactly. It can be so exhausting to constantly prove, like, a. Oh, I do belong here. I am smart enough. You can listen to me, you know.

Kim:

How do we recognize our own power? Because I've got it earmarked here. I love that one. I love when Alice Walker said, the most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any. How did you. And how do we all people really recognize our power?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah, you know, that's a great question. I think it takes one. Getting to know yourself, spending time with yourself, whether it's through meditation, whether it's through your own, Taking yourself on solo dates and hanging out with yourself, doing things you enjoy.

Kim:

Did you just say solo, Zac? She just said solo dates. I'm down for that. Like, four flat tires. I ain't lying to you.

Zac:

Yeah, I think you do a lot of solo dates, Kim.

Kim:

I live for solo dates.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes. Okay. What did you tell me?

Zac:

Like, last week, you were like, I'm going home. I'm getting takeout. I'm laying on the couch. Like you were. Like, everyone else is gone.

Kim:

Yes, but this is the thing. Women. And even. Even black women, white women, all women. We make the world go round. Latino women, all of us. And it's like, it's so hard when you say date yourself, I'm like, thank you, God. Because it just.

Kim:

There is to have this grounding that you're talking about, it starts with books and activities like this, meditations like this. But it also starts with just recognizing we need to do it. How do we press pause? How do we press pause?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah, that's a really good question. How do you press pause? Start small. I always encourage people to start small. Okay, maybe it's only five minutes a day that you can do it because you're so used to chaos, especially if you have kids and a, and a partner.

Zac:

I'm pointing at you, Kim. So used to chaos.

Kim:

Kim Chaos is what it's called.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes. You have to just start small. Five minutes a day. Maybe it's a walk. Maybe it's you journaling, maybe it's you cooking by yourself, like something that you do by yourself to feel grounded and like focus on the activity and not necessarily the thoughts in your head and all your responsibilities.

Kim:

Another one here is recognize your inner magic. That is, that is so true. And I think for most people, maybe, maybe you can comment on this. People don't even understand what that means. I do because I'm 53 and I've done lived four or five thousand different lives.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah.

Kim:

But there is a magic to life that exists in us. God put it there. Can you speak to that?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah. You know, our inner magic, I feel like, is our inner intuition, our inner self confidence. And sometimes we will have life experiences that diminish that, that make us feel like we can't do certain things, that we have no power, there is no magic within us to achieve certain, certain things. And you really have to go on that path to really re. Introduce yourself to your own inner magic. And that can look many different ways. And so I believe that the magic that's within us is what will also help sustain you with doing what you want to do, going towards your goals.

Kim:

The inner magic, like what you feed, grows. And for me, trusting that instinct, like you were saying earlier, I mean, I've done it in business and I've done it in relationships, and then I've not done it in relationships and it's come to take a hunk out of my hind end, you know, like you're talking about even not reading people, but like, maybe I shouldn't be having relationship with this person and I didn't listen to that inner magic and it come to bite me hard. You're talking about that gut right that we all possess and have.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes, absolutely. We all possess that. And there are always consequences when we don't listen to our intuition, whether it's how we feel or actual consequences from whatever the situation is. And you know, you know when you don't listen to your intuition and something happens and you're like, oh, I knew it.

Kim:

I knew it. I'm going through something right now, girl, where I know something is up. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I can't put my finger on it. I can't prove it. I can't. I just know. And so I talked to my mother about it, who's really sounds like very similar to your mom, is just. She's a powerhouse too.

Kim:

And she says, well, then they. Something up. Yeah, she's why you need to talk about it. You notice something up, there's something up. There's something to it. You might not know what it is, but there is. You talk about a really common theme, I think, for most women and probably people in general, is this people pleasing.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, yes.

Kim:

Did you hear how she said that, Zac? She says, oh, yes. Been there, done that, bought the T shirt. Yes, Guilty.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes. Same, same.

Kim:

If you're a people pleaser, please raise your hand. Thank you. Can you talk about that? Because I do think that is something. That's that. I think it's a plague. People pleading plague is what I want to call it.

Oludara Adeeyo:

I love that. People pleasing plague, you know, it's something that is learned. It can grow. When you are in an environment, like from childhood where you're around, caregivers who really just are may not be treating you the best. And so as a reaction, you may be figuring out, okay, if I do this, maybe this will cause a better reaction and maybe they won't be angry at me, maybe they won't be sad. So it's a way to also kind of control other people. People's reaction to you because you're also fearful of how. Of other people's emotions.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Right. So you're fearful of, like, what the emotions of someone might be. And you don't want to deal with that because it might be uncomfortable, it might make you feel a certain way, might just regulate your nervous system. And so if you're used to that, if you're used to having to kind of bend and mend to other people's emotions, that's going to be something that follows you throughout your life. And I also think as women in general, I think a lot of us are grown, we're conditioned to be people pleasing because we're told from young age like, oh, if you want to get a husband, you got to do this. If you want to you know, do this, you got to do that. So it takes a lot of unlearning. And I think on the other side of people pleasing is like, you know, your own power on your own empowerment.

Kim:

I got to tell you, I am totally smitten by. When you say the unlearning. You've said it a couple of times, and I never heard that. I mean, I've heard, like, on social media, people say unalive instead of say death. Die. I mean, I didn't know that was a thing.

Zac:

That's a really different thing.

Kim:

You can cuss in every song on TikTok, but you can't say die. I don't get it. I don't get it. Listen, we live in an upside down world these days. I'm just saying, like, when you say unlearning, I resonate with that. And I don't know why, but I want to know. What do you mean? Zac, did you catch how she said that? A couple of times.

Zac:

Yeah. I actually. I'm really curious to know.

Oludara Adeeyo:

I love the word unlearning. I mean, it's at the core of what I do as a therapist. A lot of people I see. You know, I think all therapists can agree that. And people who go to therapy, it's like, oh, I am unlearning ways that have damaged me. I'm unlearning habits that have damaged my emotions, my relationships, and I'm.

Kim:

How do you do that?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Takes a long time. It takes a long time.

Kim:

It takes.

Oludara Adeeyo:

I really do think it takes getting to learn yourself, which is at the core of a lot of my work is like, I want to encourage people to get to know yourself so that, yes, you're going to unlearn how you may have internal misogyny, how you may have internal racism, you know, and how that's impacting your life, how it's impacting the way you do work, the way you view yourself. And so, you know, if you grow up thinking, like, oh, I'm not good at this. I'm. I'm not a good person. If you go grow up thinking I'm unlovable, like, you've got to unlearn that. You've got to learn that you are lovable, that you are good enough. So. And also in.

Oludara Adeeyo:

In psychology, there's this term called neuroplasticity, which. Which is just the belief that you're. Well, it's that your brain has the ability to learn new things and work different ways. So when I say unlearning, it's like, yes, you are unlearning the things that you were conditioned to believe about yourself, how you were conditioned to move through this world. And now you're going to unlearn all that stuff. Stuff, that yucky stuff. And now you're gonna learn new stuff, new better stuff, new positive stuff.

Kim:

So have you. Have you been on an unlearning journey?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Absolutely. I think it definitely started with my mother's death, like 10, 11 years ago, where I really had to unlearn how I like, view productivity, how I. I was very hyper independent. I was very, like, proud, strong black woman. Like, I was like, I am the strong friend. And I had to.

Kim:

But is that. Is that wrong? Was that wrong?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes, because you can push people out. You can hold onto things that are damaging you. You know, I used to be the friend that was just like, oh, I'm so strong. No one has to take care of me. Meanwhile, I'm going. I don't realize that I'm going through depression. I don't realize that I'm dealing with anxiety. And.

Oludara Adeeyo:

And I had to unlearn that I am the strong friend. I'm. Yes, I may be a strong friend, but I'm surrounded by other strong women. And I have to realize that I can lean on my. My community. I can lean on my girls. I can lean on the people who. Who love me to help me.

Oludara Adeeyo:

And I had to unlearn not asking for help. I had to unlearn all that.

Kim:

Oh, my gosh, I'm not going to crack this. This can of worms open about what my unlearning journey is, because we could be here till like 10pm tonight if I do.

Zac:

There's actually. Kim, I have a list of things I'd love for you to unlearn.

Kim:

I'm telling you. I mean, Zac, give it to me. Hit me hard. I'm just saying it is. It's so right. But you mentioned community. Cause I will tell you, my group of friends, my community has been so important to me in my journey. And I think we all need each other.

Kim:

I really do. And you identify a safe person as someone who. Who, like, can say no and not be judged. How important is it to have that safe person in your community? And how hard is it to find.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, wow. Yes, it is so important because when you are, you know, so scared to tell people no for various reasons. Right. That can be something you've learned. And, you know, being scared to tell people no because you're afraid someone's not going to give you something you're afraid someone's going to abandon you, whatever reason. But if you have someone you know who loves you, who is going to be okay when you tell them no, it frees you because you're like, oh, I don't have to take care of that person's emotions because that's what boundaries are. It's like you're putting up boundaries and you're understanding that, like, okay, I'm not responsible for this other person's emotion. And that other person who loves you is not going to make you feel responsible for that.

Oludara Adeeyo:

They're going to respect. Be like, okay, you told me. No, that's great. All right, I can work with that. But how hard is it to find people? It can be hard if you are not used to having good people around you.

Kim:

You know, I think it's important. Yeah, that's important. Because community and even social media, you have built a community of positivity on social media, which is almost impossible to do. How can we use. It's social media. I love and hate all at the same time.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes, I agree. I love and hate.

Kim:

How can we all use social media? So it's done in this positive, wonderful experience.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Well, I like to say that I am the queen of Blockland. So anytime I interact, if I post something and I get a comment that I can decipher if it's being mean or negative, I just block. Because I'm just like, I'm not even. I'm not even going to try to figure this out.

Kim:

I love you. I absolutely love you.

Zac:

That's reclaiming your power. You're just like, block, block.

Oludara Adeeyo:

I don't care, you know, because that. Yes, because now I'm doing the work internally of like, well, what did you mean by that? Well, I don't even know. You're a stranger. Why am I even trying? You know, so I'm just like, that looks mean blocked. That looks rude blocked, you know, because.

Kim:

You know, you wouldn't want that to be done to anybody anywhere. That's what I'm saying. Like, the beautiful thing about, about being a whole person or really on the journey to it, if nonetheless, you know, being mindful and being grounded and having that inner peace is. Is that when you have it, you want everybody else to have it.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes, exactly.

Kim:

Are you there?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes, that is me. That is so me. And I. What I love about the work I do is like, that's, that's actually why I do the work, because I want one. I want others to be realize. Like, you can achieve the inner peace. You're looking for. And I believe that when we work on our own piece, we are also helping the community around us.

Oludara Adeeyo:

We're encouraging others to see, like, yes, there's a different way to approach our daily stressors. There's a different way to cope with what we're dealing with. And yes, I. I'm right there.

Kim:

Okay, so you're single.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes. Happily, happily single.

Kim:

Hallelujah, girl. Okay, what is it like dating in 2025? Because let me tell you, I have a single friend who's on the mingle. She's trying to mingle, ready to mingle. I don't know if I could handle it in the 2025 swipe left, swipe right world.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, my gosh. It's. It's a travesty on dating apps. So I'm not on them anymore. I'm not on them anymore. But even, you know, I. Oh, we're going to get personal. Okay, okay.

Oludara Adeeyo:

I'm a single woman.

Kim:

I'm your safe person right now. Go for it.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes. You know, I think as a woman who dates men, it's hard.

Kim:

It's a lot. I thought maybe you had a few insights because she's. Okay, that's your next book, girl.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Whether I meet them on the apps or in person, because I've met plenty of men in person, it's still the same mess. And like I said, I block people online and I block people in real life. I'm like, oh, this is. This is going away. I don't want it to go. And I'm very strict about protecting my piece, and I'm not interested in entering a relationship with someone who's just gonna cause more havoc. And, yeah, it's tough.

Kim:

It's tough. But I love how you are so honest. I mean, honestly, that's when I was reading through the book, that's what I loved about it. It was very. I know it's written for black women, but it was really universal in the fact that these are principles any of us can put into our lives. Why was it important to write this book specifically for the black community? For black women?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah. Yeah. You know, I. I think I'm very passionate about black women. I'm part of the community. I'm very passionate.

Kim:

Absolutely.

Oludara Adeeyo:

I think it's also inspired a lot by my mom. I sometimes think, like, if my mom had maybe some of the books I had or had a. Had a little bit more insight into how she could take care of her wellness, that would have been maybe something that could have helped her elongate her life. But we don't know. Right. But also, black women, we deal with a lot of dehumanization. We deal with racism, sexism, and it's something called misogynoir. And so what's that? Misogyny towards black women? Misogynoir.

Oludara Adeeyo:

So, yeah, it's. It's a very specific type of discrimination. And so it's something we experience in our daily lives. And it can really be damaging, mean damaging to how we view ourselves. And so I want to encourage black women to continue to uplift themselves and find ways they can really take better care of themselves.

Kim:

How do you deal with that? Because I don't know if I would deal with that well at all. Oh, yeah, I would say anger and rage and absolute revenge probably would be my middle names there. I might be sharing too much, but I'm just like. I just, you know, because we all talk about it and you see these memes and you see social media and you see that you. Everybody's tiptoeing around it. Let's just. Just cut. What is it like dealing with that?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, it's. That's horrible. It can make you really question yourself. It can make you really depressed. It can make you question if you want to live. Right? Like, it can make a lot of black women especially, you know, really be like, why am I even here, here on this earth if, like, no one seems to like me? And so it's. It can be really hard. And so I.

Oludara Adeeyo:

I deal with it now. I mean, I've been in a better place now, and I have friends who, if I go through something, I talk to them about it. I've also just been doing my own work of taking care of myself that if I interact with. With something of that sort, whether it's sexism or racism, I'm pretty, like, good at just, like, brushing it off. I can block.

Kim:

Exactly.

Oludara Adeeyo:

I put that boundary up immediately. Once I notice an inkling of something that might be extremely racist to, like, towards me, I'm just like, oh, nope, no. Not giving that my energy anymore. And also just having a community of women who look like me and.

Oludara Adeeyo:

And even if women who aren't black, I have women in my life who just love me, you know, for me, and it's. It's incredible. So.

Kim:

But end of the day, that's all we all want, is just love, love us for us, you know, who we are. But we're so conditioned to look at the external. But the book here is not dealing with the external. You're really talking about that. The inside and really healing and strengthening and empowering our souls, you know, And I think that's where we're all just alike.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes.

Kim:

That's our common thread. That's our humanness. Right?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes. Yes.

Kim:

You are just absolutely. First of all, you are gorgeous. Your skin, your hair, that white top. Everything is working.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Thank you.

Kim:

But you can't go anywhere. You can't go anywhere, because before we let you go, we have to do this thing called.

Zac:

Can I just. I have one question I want to ask. And this is so, you know, I sort of save this for the end, because we don't really, you know, we don't get into politics on the show. And I don't want to ask this question in a way that's, like, political at all, but I think we're in this moment, and as you were talking, I just couldn't stop thinking about this idea that, like, this idea of wokeness being used as a weapon right now, I think is, like, really sort of permeated sort of our culture in many places. And, you know, being able to just be like, oh, I'm not even gonna pay attention to that, because it's woke. Right. And I think that has really been used as a cudgel and a way to sort of maybe take voices away from folks who are doing really good work in, you know, minority communities. What is your response to someone who sees something like, you know, oh, this is a book for black women.

Zac:

You know, this is just more wokeness, and I'm not going to pay attention to it. You know, what is. What do you say. What do you say to someone who would say that?

Oludara Adeeyo:

That is an interesting question. Wokeness, you know, is it woke or is it making you just something you don't know and making you uncomfortable?

Kim:

I think it's that, and I'll tell you why. I think it's because people never want to deal with what the true issue or what the true heart of the matter is. And I loved what you said earlier when you were saying, it starts within y'all. If I'm telling you these type of books, it's talking about. You're talking about our soul.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah.

Kim:

You know, and we are empowered people. I love how it is for black women because you're a strong black woman who's speaking to her community, but, you know, the principles are the same. I love the fact that, you know, who you want this audience to be. It's very poignanted, and it's very purposeful. And to me, we're never going to change people. All we can do is change ourselves and block. Clearly, that's what we've learned today. Change ourselves?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes.

Kim:

If we do the work on the inside of ourselves, we wouldn't need all the other crap, right?

Oludara Adeeyo:

No, you're absolutely.

Kim:

Am I right or wrong? Am I just pie in the sky, Utopia, Ding dong?

Oludara Adeeyo:

I mean, yes and no. Right? Like, no, I'm serious.

Kim:

I'm asking.

Oludara Adeeyo:

We would love if everyone did the inner work, everyone worked on themselves, but the reality is that a lot of people don't. It's hard work.

Kim:

It is.

Oludara Adeeyo:

It's hard work whether you're in therapy or not, you know?

Kim:

Yeah.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Like, it does. It doesn't even matter if you're not in therapy. Like, let's say you're trying to do the work of just bettering yourself, like, and understanding yourself better. It's hard, it's hard to confront yourself. I always say, like, you got to get real before you can heal. And it's like a lot of people don't want to do that. Right. A lot of, A lot of us have elder family members who are the way that they are and could benefit from growing a bit.

Kim:

And we're not naming names because what we do here, we listen and we.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Don'T judge, but they don't. That's hard. It's like, it's really hard to confront past traumas, past beliefs, you know, demons, Right. Looking at yourself and be like, wow, I really didn't like myself during that period. A lot of shame comes up. And, you know, a lot of these things can be, these feelings can be discouraging, right? So like, if you are someone who's like, oh, this is woke, and you look at that, you know, feelings of shame might come up and might. You might be like, oh, well, I don't want to deal with that, you know, And I would encourage you lean into that. You know, feelings are fleeting.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Like, lean into it and just educate yourself more. Just because something is different makes you feel uncomfortable does not mean it's wrong.

Kim:

Well, but no, we can't change other people's minds and opinions. Like you said, a lot of people don't want to change, but the fact that you're making an effort, I always used to say that, say that my kids, do your part and he'll do his. And it's a lot bigger than our part could ever do. So, I mean, you're doing your part.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Exactly. Do your part, do your part.

Kim:

And I think it's beautiful. Not only is it just a beautiful cover. I mean, the inside of this book is just. It sit on the shelf too. You know what I'm saying? Gonna get out and read it. But it's pretty to display. It's beautiful. It's a work of art for real.

Kim:

And I just. You are. I just love you. I just knew I was going to. Just reading a couple of these devotionals. I was like, this is it. This girl got it going on. And you're young to have it going on.

Kim:

Both you and Zac are very young. But I was expecting for y'all to say back to me, hello.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, yes, I agree as well. You look very young.

Kim:

Thank you. So see how smart she is? She picked up on that really quick. Okay, before you go, we got to do this rapid fire. I got to know all the things that are silly and who cares? And just. I got to know because it's so funny. So what comes up, girl comes out. Don't filter. No filter.

Kim:

Okay. Okay. Rapid fire. Questions. If you could sit next to anyone on a six hour flight, who would it be? I know, that's good.

Oludara Adeeyo:

That's a good one. I instantly want to say Beyonce because I'm a fan.

Kim:

Oh, my God.

Oludara Adeeyo:

But I don't know if she'll talk.

Kim:

Can we be realistic? I mean, who doesn't want to sit next to Beyonce?

Oludara Adeeyo:

But she's going to be flying private, right?

Kim:

How would you. Flight, Flight.

Zac:

That'd be a great flight. Yeah.

Kim:

Beyonce would be good. Do you think she would talk? I think she would talk. She looks like a twerka. She does.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah.

Kim:

Wonder what she would say. Wonder if she would sing it or say it right. You know what she would say? She'd say, I got three kids and a husband. I'm exhausted.

Oludara Adeeyo:

I don't want to talk.

Zac:

I came so close to meeting Beyonce. Like, did you really? Our first daughter was born at the UCLA Medical center, and Beyonce was giving birth to her kids on the same floor at the same time.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, my gosh.

Zac:

And I, we were like. We were like, why is there so much security out here right now? Yeah, it took like 10 minutes.

Kim:

You ever told me that?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Zac:

I was like, you know, like, who am I gonna run into? Going to get like ice. But no, never saw anybody.

Kim:

Yeah, okay. That was a good one. Okay. What advice would you give your teenage self?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, okay. Lean into what you enjoy.

Kim:

Good one.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yeah. Lean into what you enjoy. And teenage boys don't matter.

Kim:

I can speak from personal. I have a 16 year old and a 17 year old. They're dumber than a box of rocks. God bless them. Okay. I love them. And they one day are going to make brilliant young men. But right now, all they do is pee and eat.

Kim:

That's all they do.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Exactly.

Kim:

All right, what is your daily five minute self care routine?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Mm, my daily five. Wait, sorry, say that again.

Kim:

Your daily five self care routine.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, my daily five. Like five things.

Kim:

I do five minute. Five things.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Five minute.

Zac:

Because you do the five. You know, you have five minute self care, but.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, oh, oh, okay. Yes, yes, yes. I. Drinking tea. You know, drinking tea while it's hot. No. Not letting it go cold. You know, sitting down, feeling.

Zac:

See, older. That's my problem. I'm so distracted in the morning. I pour myself coffee.

Kim:

That's what she's saying.

Zac:

And then I. And then I'm doing 10 other things, and I come back to it and I'm like, oh, I have to microwave my coffee.

Kim:

She's saying, why it's hot. That means take that pause.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Wait for.It to cool to the temperature you like, and drink it while it's just the right hot. Yes.

Kim:

And you're. And you're quieting the mind. I love it. Yes.

Zac:

But you cheat because you don't have kids. You don't have kids.

Oludara Adeeyo:

That's cheating.

Kim:

Listen, listen. That's the price you pay for those beautiful children. Okay, here we go. What movie could you watch every single day? This is a good one.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, my gosh. Okay, this is gonna be very left field for everyone. Fast and Furious.

Zac:

Amazing. Amazing.

Kim:

I'm shocked.

Oludara Adeeyo:

That is shocking.

Kim:

We listen and we don't judge. I was a little. I'm taken back by that one.

Zac:

The first one or all of them.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Okay. You know, if I had to rank them, my. My favorite is.

Kim:

This is a serious fan. You have a crush on somebody. Who is it?

Oludara Adeeyo:

I would have. I would watch Fast Five because that's the one where. Where it's like a lot of the characters come together and we see all different characters come together. But I really love the first one because that came out when I was in middle school, and it reminds me of, like, a time of, like, fast cars and when was into cars and just like all just nostalgia. So.

Kim:

Okay. I never saw that coming. Zac. Honest to God, I think that's the best movie answer we've ever had.

Zac:

I'm shocked and I love it. Like, I think. I think you're on the wrong podcast. You got to get on to, like, an action movie podcast or something.

Kim:

Okay. You have to evacuate your house. What's the one thing that goes in your bag.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, my cell phone. Right.

Kim:

I can't. I know you gotta call.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Gotta make sure people know I'm okay.

Kim:

Girl, I can't leave. I honestly could live without everything except my cell phone.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes. You know, there was a time. Cell phones, but need it now.

Kim:

Oh, my God. I can remember when they first came out and they were like huge. They were like 400 pounds. Okay, what is the favorite thing you've posted on social media? Oh, and did it get the response that you expected?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, that is a good one.

Kim:

Because everybody needs to go follow you. We're going to tell everybody to go follow you.

Oludara Adeeyo:

What is something that I really like that I posted? Ooh, this is a hard one. I'm not going to lie because I like everything I post.

Kim:

I love it.

Oludara Adeeyo:

But, you know, I recently made a post about enmeshment in African households. And enmeshment is when there are no boundaries in the parent and child dynamic. And so the roles sometimes often leads to the child being like the parent, the caregiver, even from a young age. And it can lead to poor boundaries, people pleasing. And so I really like that because I was. It was something that was. That's been on my heart. I could talk for hours about immigrant household dynamics because I have a lot of friends from all different countries who are immigrant, who have immigrant parents.

Oludara Adeeyo:

And it's. It's so astonishing, no matter the ethnicity, like the experiences that are similar.

Kim:

So, yeah, yeah, the whole I'm your friend thing, that don't fly with me.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Understood.

Kim:

A friend don't pay for everything that you eat, drink, sleep, wear.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Exactly. You're the parent. It is.

Kim:

It is a caretaker. Okay, what does living freely mean to you?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Living freely to me means I am living at peace. I'm happy with the decision decisions I'm making about my life. I am. Yeah, actually, I think that's it. I'm happy with the decisions I'm making in my life. I can freely make certain decisions. I love myself. I love the people in my life.

Oludara Adeeyo:

That's to me is like really living freely and loving the work I do every day.

Kim:

So, favorite junk food? Salty and sweet.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Ooh, okay.

Kim:

Make it good, make it good. Some people say some weird stuff and I'm like, no, that ain't junky enough. I won't.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, salty. It's sweet. Okay, well, my favorite junk food is a particular chip brand. It's called Siete Family Foods. They make these chips. They're queso flavored chips.

Kim:

What?

Zac:

Yes, yes.

Oludara Adeeyo:

I love the.

Zac:

The little random brands of chips. Amazing.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes. Yes, it is. Like, I. I eat a whole bag. I can't. I can't have it. It's not. It's one of those things that can't be in my home because I'm gonna eat the whole bag in one sitting.

Oludara Adeeyo:

And it's like. It's the right amount of spice, and it's a. It tastes a little bit cheesy, but it's a. They're a vegan brand, so, like, they. Yeah.

Zac:

Got it for Travis Kim. Wait, what are they called? Say the name again.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Because I'm gonna siete. Siete family foods, so Siete seven in Spanish.

Zac:

Yeah.

Kim:

Okay. All right. Sweet. And. Come on, let's. Yeah. Are you a vegetarian? Vegan.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, I'm a vegan. But I love sweets.

Kim:

Cause my husband's a vegetarian, too. It's so hard, honey, People don't eat meat.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, my gosh. I can name so many sweet things. I love. Oh, my gosh. I love cookies and cream ice cream. I love brownies. I love cupcakes.

Kim:

Thank you, girl. Don't you love a good cupcake?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes.

Kim:

And okay, on the cupcake, what kind of icing? Because there's different. I like the icing that has a little crunch to it.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Ooh. Yes. Okay. Yes, I love it.

Zac:

Does that mean old? You like old cupcakes?

Kim:

No, no. It's a buttercream that, as it dries, it gets a little crunchy. And I want the little. Like, the little sprinkles on it, too. Like, I like texture in my icing.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Yes, Yes. I love it. And there's a cupcake that I like at a bake shop here in la, where they. It is vegan, but because it's vegan, they usually use coconut oil, and coconut oil adds a nice, like, crunch. But they have a cookie cupcake that, like, it's like. There's, like, a layer of, like, some type of, like, cookie in the middle, and then the icing and the cookie on top is divine.

Kim:

Okay, we're going to be best friends if we're having this experience over cupcakes. The sky's the limit. Okay. Celebrity crush.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Ooh, Dwayne the Rock Johnson.

Kim:

I knew you were gonna say that. I knew you were gonna say that. I knew you were gonna say that.

Zac:

That makes a lot of sense.

Kim:

Cause I knew it could. Just because of the Cars is why you like that. Did you see my air quotes? The Cars. Hello, Tara. I love you so much. Okay, can we. Do me a favor. I know this is kind of, like, impromptu, but can we end with a short guided meditation?

Oludara Adeeyo:

Okay.

Kim:

From your book. Can you pick one? Do you have a book?

Oludara Adeeyo:

I'll pick one that I can read.

Kim:

Please. I just. I want people to go get the book. I think that it's such a. It's so beautiful. And your heart and your spirit is so aligned with mine. I can just tell you're good people.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Oh, thank you. You too.

Kim:

Good people. So which one are we doing?

Oludara Adeeyo:

We're gonna do trust your intuition. Okay, let's do it. I'm gonna read it. Happiness comes from living as you need to, as you want to, as your inner voice tells you to. Happiness comes from being who you actually are instead of who you think you are supposed to be. Quote Shonda Rhimes, meditation. Listen. Listening to my intuition will lead me to my happiness.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Listening to my intuition will lead me to my happiness. I encourage you to reflect on that as I read the reflection. Not listening to your intuition will always have consequences, good or bad. Your intuition is the guiding light within you that leads you to make life decisions that align with your happiness. Not trusting your inner voice will leave you with feelings of self betrayal. As a black woman or any woman, you are probably all too familiar with self betrayal. You are most likely conditioned from a young age to ignore your intuition and instructed through societal messages to conform to the dominant culture, even if it wasn't true to who you were as a person. As a result, self betrayal becomes a means of survival against microaggressions, racism, and sexism.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Let's shake off the need to ignore your intuition and lean into listening to and trusting it. To get better at trusting your intuition, you'll first have to learn what that voice feels like. Because sometimes your intuition and your anxiety can get their wires crossed. Then you're left not knowing which inner thoughts to listen to for guidance. But girl pro thoughts tied to your intuition are usually more calming, while anxious thoughts feel chaotic. Once you've identified what your intuition sounds or feels like, you'll have to do little things to help build your confidence to trust yourself. For example, making decisions without consulting anyone else. This will help create self trust because getting used to that uncomfortable feeling of will this work out when you make a life decision is part of the process of trusting your intuition.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Embrace it. Your happiness awaits for you. Okay, I love that.

Kim:

Oh, Lord, that last piece that you wrote. Trust it. Don't. Don't look for other people to make decisions. That is huge. Okay, y'all gotta go get the book. I'm telling you, you gotta go. Follow.

Kim:

Follow Oludara Adeeyo across all social media platforms. That's. I'm gonna spell it. Can I spell it? Should I spell it?

Kim:

We got it on the screen. We got it on the screen. And you gotta get her new book, Meditations for black women. 75 mindful reflections to help you stay grounded and find your inner peace. Y'all, this is what we need. We're all looking for that inner peace. And, girl, you are helping us all find it. I love you so much, girl.

Kim:

Thank you for coming. You gotta come back.

Oludara Adeeyo:

Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Kim:

And I gotta go get one of them cupcakes. Yes. And the chips.

Zac:

Old cupcakes. Just one of those gross, old, spoiled cupcakes.

Kim:
The Kim Gravel Show is produced and edited by Zac Miller. His production company is Uncommon Audio. Our producer is Kathleen Grant from the Brunette Exec. Production help from  Emily Bredin and Sara Noto. Our cover art is designed by Sanaz Huber at Memarian Creative. Our show is edited by Mike Kligerman. Our guest intros are performed by Roxy Reese. Our guest booking is done by Central Talent Booking. Our ads are furnished by True Native Media. And y'all, I want to give a big huge thank you to the entire team at QVC+ and a special thank you to our audience for making this community so strong. If you are still listening then you must have liked a few episodes along the way. So tell somebody about it. Tell somebody about this show and join our mailing list at kimgravelshow.com. I cannot do this show without you and so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening. I hope you gain a little bit of encouragement, light and love love from watching and listening to The Kim Gravel Show. I love you all so much. Till next time. Bye.