When etiquette expert and creator and co-host of the podcast “Were You Raised by Wolves?” Nick Leighton joined the Kim Gravel Show to discuss etiquette, which he called the lubrication of society’s machinery, he also answered some questions from listeners.
Q: I go to breakfast with my family every Friday. If there’s more than me and my husband and my parents, I will let somebody else pay for it. Is it bad that I only want to pay for it when it’s four people versus, say, 10?
A: Nick said that skipping out on the larger tab is bad etiquette, and if it bothers the people picking up the slack, those people should say something. “Not at the restaurant,” Nick cautioned. “Do not embarrass her at the table in front of everybody.”
The situation calls for “a polite, yet direct conversation. ‘Hey, I noticed you skipped your turn. Would it be possible next time? I love treating everybody, but I think for fairness, it’d be nice to rotate this.’”
Q: I went on a vacation to my family’s rental home and got self-tanner on the sheets. I wasn’t able to wash it out, and my family had to buy new sheets to replace the ones I stained. Should I have to pay the $400 to replace them?
A: Absolutely, Nick said. You damage something, you replace it. And if you’re the original owner of the sheets and the self-tanner user doesn’t replace them, save those sheets for her the next time she visits.
Q: When someone receives gifts, he often returns them to the store and gets cash back. What is the etiquette on that?
A: First, Nick asked what the recipient does with the cash—buy something he wants? Kim responded that he probably just buys gas. Nick said once a person gives a gift, it’s up to the receiver what they want to do with the gift. If they want to return the gift, it is what it is. If someone consistently returns what you get them, consider giving cash instead. Or, consider giving a gift related to an experience they might enjoy, or an upcoming vacation.
Q: What is the etiquette on regifting?
A: A lot of different schools of thought exist on this, Nick said. “I think it’s fine if you can get away with it. It has to be a good gift—something you would get the person anyway, not just something you have in your house. And it has to be given to somebody totally outside of the circle because we cannot connect the dots.
Q: A parent of teenagers has no problem telling her own kid to put on deodorant … but can you ask another teenager, say a friend or a neighbor, to put on deodorant?
A: Nick said it depends on how you’d feel if that child’s parents asked your child to put on deodorant. While it may be bad etiquette for a teen to walk around smelling bad, correcting etiquette is usually reserved for parents or people in a parental or mentorship role. So if you and your neighbors have that sort of relationship where you’re mentors or sort of parental figures to each other’s kids, then it’s okay to correct their etiquette.
Q: What is the etiquette on digital tracking? The whole family participates, but sometimes people opt out, and sometimes people forget they’ve opted in.
A: Nick reiterated that etiquette is local. So if family etiquette is that everyone tracks everyone else, that’s fine. But if someone tracks another person without their permission, Nick said, that’s not great etiquette.
Q: What is dating etiquette, especially in the world of dating apps?
A: “Being dishonest is not great,” Nick said. We want to treat people with kindness as a general baseline. These apps—because it does feel sort of more abstract—people are just a profile. It’s hard to remember, oh, these are actually three dimensional humans. People are more callous on the apps, and that is definitely a problem.”
As a side note, that callous behavior in the Internet in general is also a problem, Nick said.
If you wouldn’t say something to someone’s face, don’t make the comment online—in dating or on the Internet in general.
Q: What about etiquette with social media?
A: “I’m not going to say anything on social media that I wouldn’t say at a cocktail party. If our online lives matched our offline lives, that would go very far.” Social media has primed us all to comment and respond. One example: reviews. After every service you get, you get a survey. It’s about reviewing every restaurant and hotel. It’s also about commenting on everybody’s Instagram. “We’re primed to always respond and comment and weigh in, and I think we don’t have to.”
Q: One parent is in a sticky situation with another parent in the close friend group. Their children are the same age and often interact with each other at school and neighborhood gatherings. The first parent’s child often extends invitations to the second parent’s child, which the second parent accepts, but doesn’t reciprocate. Now the second child is having an elaborate destination birthday party, and the parent has asked the first parent to co-chaperone and help with transportation even though the first child is not invited. The first parent politely declined but what should she say next time?
A: Nick said the first parent should go into the conversation having decided whether they want a real conversation, or just to decline the invitation event by event. In either case, she should make it clear that she can’t chaperone the birthday party because her own child is not invited. If she wants more of a conversation, she could ask why her child is not invited.
Q: A friend wants the recipe for this person’s famous cake. She doesn’t want to share it; it’s her signature cake and something she’s known for. What is the best etiquette for declining?
A: Nick said his own attitude is that he bakes a lot, and his technique is pretty good. No one else would be able to replicate the cake exactly the way he makes it, so he’d share it. Kim said she’d just tell the person they couldn’t have the recipe—it’s her signature cake. Nick said that’s “fair enough.”
Q: How long do “dibs” last? Last year, a person and four of his friends decided to make an effort to go to cultural events. They went to two plays, and after the second, one member of the group, Chad, called dibs on choosing the next activity. Recently, the person who wrote in discovered a musical he really wants to see is coming to their city so he invited that group of friends to go see it. Another of the friends said, “Chad called dibs,” and the conversation ended. How long do dibs last?
A: Nick and Kim agreed dibs expire. They also agreed the group could do two things—Chad can have his dibs (he hadn’t used them yet), and the group could also go to the musical. The person who wrote in could also bring Chad into the conversation and ask if he wants to use his dibs.
Q: I’m a hugger. Is it okay to hug people I meet for the first time?
A: Generally, when it comes to personal space, remember that etiquette is local. Some cultures hug, touch, and kiss more than others. Learn about someone’s personal space before you enter it. And if someone is getting into your personal space, feel free to set boundaries and don’t feel bad about that.
Etiquette comes down to having empathy and compassion. If the roles were reversed, how would you want a situation handled. Often, Nick said, that’s the right etiquette answer.
With family, sometimes we’re a “little looser” with etiquette,” Nick said. The bottom line is that etiquette is about behavior—not about feelings.
Nick shared a famous line from Into the Woods: “I was raised to be charming, not sincere.”
“The idea is, let’s act politely first. Ultimately, my hope, my dream for my audience, for the world, is that will catch us up. Be polite, be kind in our core. But if we could just start with the behavior, that would solve a lot of problems.”
Nick Leighton is a two-time Emmy-award-winning TV journalist and producer. He has interviewed hundreds of celebrities. Learn more about his Were You Raised by Wolves podcast here: https://www.wereyouraisedbywolves.com.
The Kim Gravel Show is a top women’s lifestyle podcast where Kim shares her message of confidence and encouragement with a side of laughter and fun. The show features inspiring, topical conversations with thought leaders, CEOs, and celebrities tailored to give listeners the insight they need to help them discover their purpose, find their confidence, and love who they are. On each episode Kim tackles the topics that women care about in a way that will make you laugh, make you think, and help you see your life in a new, more positive way.
The Kim Gravel Show is a celebration of the stories that shape us. It's about laughing together and not taking ourselves too seriously. It's about the wisdom we've gathered and the hardships we've overcome. It's about looking at the woman you see in the mirror and remembering that she is beautiful inside and out. This is a show about remembering that no matter what you’ve been through you can love who you are right now.
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