Etiquette expert and creator and co-host of the podcast “Were You Raised by Wolves?” Nick Leighton joined the Kim Gravel Show to share his best tips for etiquette, which he called the lubrication of society’s machinery.
“Some people feel like, ‘What’s the point? It’s fussy. It doesn’t matter. It’s not relevant anymore,’” Nick said. “But would you want to live in a world with no etiquette whatsoever? Like, what an insane, bonkers world! That would be total chaos.”
To start, he defined the difference between manners and etiquette. Manners, he said, is, “We all want to be kind. We all want to take care of each other.” Etiquette “is the way a different culture will then interpret those manners.”
The desire for good etiquette is nothing new, Nick said. Thousands of years ago, Plato complained about people talking during a theatrical performance, and wrote, “Maybe we should just hit people with sticks.” In 1922, Emily Post (an early etiquette expert), was annoyed by young people talking at the theater—she said they should just stay home and listen to the phonograph if that’s what they want to do. There are books from the Renaissance talking about people clipping their toenails in public, and how gross that is.
Still, Nick said, “We haven’t learned nothing.” People can film and broadcast bad etiquette so we may feel like it’s happening more, but, he said, “I think bad etiquette has been with us forever.”
Nick also shared this general note on etiquette: “There is this instinct, like, ‘Oh, I need to be the main character. I can’t just let the person perform onstage. It’s very hard with social media to not be the main character, because we’re the main character of all of our accounts.”
He acknowledged that this topic, in and of itself, isn’t necessarily about etiquette—it’s just the world we live in. “But I think just acknowledging that this is what is happening, is a good step to figure out, how do we treat each other a little nicer and kinder with more consideration?”
It’s not just about acknowledging that other people exist; it’s also about acknowledging that they are real people.
It’s also give and take; we live in a society with other people and in order for it to work, we must use etiquette to lubricate the machinery.
It’s the little things: holding the door open for the next person, sending thank-you notes, being quiet in the theater.
It’s important to note that etiquette is contextual, Nick said. It “is always about picking your battles. You know, not everything requires us to weigh in. Sometimes we just let things go and pretend something’s not happening. Like, at a theater, when somebody is wanting to pass your seat and their butt is this far away from your face, you pretend that’s not happening. On an airplane, we pretend we’re not this close to everybody else when we’re having our meal, which is also why you can start your meal before everybody in your row is served. Because it’s not a dinner party.”
If you feel you must say something—in the right context—then “use a tone that is nonjudgmental and value neutral.”
“Value neutral” means stating facts and making requests without placing value on the action you’re focused on.
“In psychology,” Nick said, “if you give someone a reason for your request, often it is easier for somebody to agree.
For example, if you’re in the airport and need to cut in the line for security, just saying, “Excuse me, coming through” wouldn’t be as effective as, “Would it be possible for me to go in front of you? My flight is about to leave and I’m going to miss it.”
“We all have to give a little. All of us have to hold the door at Starbucks. All of us have to return our shopping cart, so the door is held for us and so there’s a shopping cart available for us. And so that’s what etiquette is. It’s just this give and take that as a society, we’ve agreed that’s what it is.”
“All the etiquette roles actually do come down to that fundamental truth.”
Nick Leighton is a two-time Emmy-award-winning TV journalist and producer. He has interviewed hundreds of celebrities. Learn more about his Were You Raised by Wolves podcast here: https://www.wereyouraisedbywolves.com.
The Kim Gravel Show is a top women’s lifestyle podcast where Kim shares her message of confidence and encouragement with a side of laughter and fun. The show features inspiring, topical conversations with thought leaders, CEOs, and celebrities tailored to give listeners the insight they need to help them discover their purpose, find their confidence, and love who they are. On each episode Kim tackles the topics that women care about in a way that will make you laugh, make you think, and help you see your life in a new, more positive way.
The Kim Gravel Show is a celebration of the stories that shape us. It's about laughing together and not taking ourselves too seriously. It's about the wisdom we've gathered and the hardships we've overcome. It's about looking at the woman you see in the mirror and remembering that she is beautiful inside and out. This is a show about remembering that no matter what you’ve been through you can love who you are right now.
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