Do you talk block yourself?
If you’re wondering what that means, ask yourself these questions:
How would you describe your inner dialogue? Do you talk yourself out of things, down yourself, or criticize yourself?
What’s the meanest thing you’ve said to yourself this week?
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not smart enough.”
“I’m not talented enough.”
That is the kind of self-talk that blocks you.
Fortunately, if you’re one of the many people who experience talk blocking, there’s a solution: you can learn how to create self-talk that lift you up.
Kim recently welcomed mindset coach Katie Horwitch, the founder of Women Against Negative Talk (WANT) onto The Kim Gravel Show. WANT is a platform that gives women tips, tools, motivation, and inspiration to move forward fearlessly in their lives by shifting their negative self-talk patterns.
Katie describes self-talk as “the story you tell yourself about yourself 24/7 as you walk through the world.” That story, she said, informs how you walk through the world, how you interact with people, and the decisions you make or don’t make.
Therefore, she said, self-talk is “the piece of the puzzle that we’re not talking about nearly enough when it comes to making changes in our own lives and own world.”
An important clarification is that self-talk doesn’t have to be words, or an internal monologue. Some people experience it as images, like a movie reel playing out in their minds. Others experience it as feelings—even abstract feelings.
Because self-talk can be so complicated, especially if people experience it in images or feelings or another abstract way (but even if they experience it in words), explaining it can be difficult.
What happens a lot, Katie explained, is that the words we use to describe our self-talk might not match exactly what’s going on. We choose the words that are closest to what we’re feeling or to what we believe will get us closer to what we’re craving in a particular situation.
The result: often, people end up bonding over negativity.
“There are studies that show that we bond quicker and deeper over negative things than we do positive things,” Katie said. “So we would love to think we form these really close bonds over the things we all love and agree on, which is true. However, if that first bonding bid for connection is negativity, and if you bond with someone, then for many of us, what will go on in our heads and hearts is like, ‘Oh, that worked. We’re connected. So I’m going to do more of that.’”
Because we learn our self-talk as if it’s another language, as we practice it with others and bond over negativity (something you don’t like about your life or something petty, for example), you get something from that negativity, and your brain thinks, “I’d better become fluent in this.”
That, Katie said, is why we have to work even harder to make different (more positive) connections.
Making those connections is not as simple as changing the words you’re saying to yourself. Katie explained that some people try to replace negative self-talk statements with positive statements, but that can backfire if people don’t truly believe the new statement.
For example, if someone wants to start a podcast but doesn’t believe they have anything to say, replacing “I don’t have anything to say” with something like “I have a lot to say” won’t result in positive change if the potential podcaster doesn’t believe it (this is called cognitive dissonance).
“Authenticity comes from a cohesion of who you are on the inside and who you are on the outside,” Katie said. “I define integrity as who you say you are, who you are on the inside and who you are on the outside. It’s one cohesive unit. In order to shift self-talk in a real, lasting way, that is part of the deal. Because with authenticity and integrity comes self-trust. Self-trust means you are good for your word.”
A lot of people grew up in a family where negative self-talk and bonding over negativity was normalized. Katie said she’s always been a sensitive person; she could walk into a room and read the intuitive dynamics. She’d know what was going on with each person before she even spoke with anyone.
She’d see what was going on and think, “Well, that’s not right.”
From family members gossiping about another family member to a group of moms at her elementary school gossiping about another family, Katie recognized that when she heard these sorts of conversations, it just didn’t feel good. Still, people considered that behavior “normal.”
Another “norm”: through what she saw, heard, and read, Katie deduced that owning up to her strengths was a bad thing. In order to relate to others, she’d self-deprecate.
“So many of us [self-deprecate] without thinking about the ramifications of that self-deprecation.”
We become fluent in negative self-talk. We internalize it and then we speak it out loud … and it shows up in our lives.
So how do we begin changing that self-talk … and transforming what happens in our lives?
Katie recommends we start off by asking questions like: Do I actually want to make a shift and make a change, or is talking about making a change a distraction to convince me that I’m doing just enough to work toward what I want to do?
This is an important distinction, Katie said, because research shows that talking about doing something will give people the same sensation as actually doing that.
For example, if that potential podcaster started talking about starting a podcast, and people seemed excited about it, that might start a conversation. The potential podcaster might share details about ideas for the podcast.
“What can happen,” Katie said, “is that it starts to feel like it already exists because we’re sort of fleshing out the details. That’s not a bad thing to do. It’s important to have accountability partners if that’s a tool that works for you.”
But—and Katie cited her own experience here—if you talk to too many people before you start to process and get solid within yourself, and you’ve outsourced opinions and validation, then there’s a good chance you’ll start to care more about what they think than what you think.”
So once you’re clear on whether you truly want to make a change, or talking about it gives you the same satisfaction, then you can begin to break the pattern of negative self-talk.
Katie described herself as a self-talk activist: “That is honestly why I do what I do and why I’m so passionate about what I am passionate about, which is helping people shift their negative self-talk in a real, lasting way. It affects everything, and I don’t use overarching terms like ‘everything’ or ‘nothing’ lightly.”
First, recognize and internalize this: self-talk isn’t inherently good or bad. It’s information. What’s underneath that information will inform what you do next, and next, and next. So if you’re saying to yourself, “I’m not good enough,” that’s information.
It might be tempting to tell that bully voice to shut up and go away. Instead, dig in and figure out what that information is.
(A quick note: negative self-talk might never go away, Katie said, but people can get faster at recognizing it, deciphering it, and shifting.)
For example, the self-talk comment, “I’m not good enough” could be just that: I’m not good enough. It could be something you once heard from someone whose opinion really mattered to you. It could be that you’re not in integrity—that who you are on the inside isn’t showing up on the outside. Or, something that happened I the past that made you feel that way. Or, something you’ve used to bond with other people in the past.
Once you dial in on the true information behind your self-talk statement, you can start to shift it.
In her book, Want Your Self, Katie gives a structured roadmap for how to build their own toolkit for taking steps forward. It’s hard, but when we take it step by step, in a systemized, structured way, we can make the shifts we want to.
One of the steps is finding your through line, which Katie explained as “the common theme in everything you do, the common theme in everything you love, and the common goal in everything you do.”
While many people think of this in professional terms, Katie said, it’s more about who you are at your core.
“We’ve got to know what we stand for, what we are fighting for, and what is grounding us in who we are as we walk through the world.”
So how do you find your through line? Katie suggests you start by making a list. Brain dump all the things you love to do or experience—without censoring yourself! Personal, professional, big, small, all of the things.
Make a second list of why you love to do all the things you love to do; what is it about those things that gets you excited.
Then examine both lists. Katie said, “You’re going to find some common themes. From that, you can create what I call a through line statement.”
Katie shared that when she created her through line statement, she looked at all the things she loves to do: writing, singing, playing games, going to concerts, cooking, drawing, multi-media art.
When she looked into why she loved doing all of those things, she realized it was always because some sort of exchange happened with other people, whether it was sharing baked goods, playing games together, the communal experience of a concert …
She landed on the through line statement: I use my unique voice to help others find, use, and own theirs.
“What’s beautiful about that is that I can see that play out through all of these different areas in my life,” she said, “and I can also use it as a compass for things I say yes to and things I say no to.”
This all applies professionally; many successful corporate women or entrepreneurs seek fulfillment beyond wherever they are.
Whenever you struggle with whether a certain task or activity feels good, you can ask yourself, “Am I living my through line right now?”
That’s the big tool Katie starts her book off with.
“I give the journey of finding yourself, being yourself, staying yourself, and then wanting the self that you have,” she said. “I start with that because that is the ground level of the house you’re building of your life.”
Once you begin to shift your negative self-talk, you’ll find that you shift your life, too, because you’re living authentically—your actions align with who you are. Your decisions and actions align with your through line, and you create more of what you want.
Katie, the author of Want Your Self, has been featured by SXSW, Lululemon, The Cut, mindbodygreen, Livestrong, and more, has coached some of the world’s most prominent brands and leaders on building confidence and creating impact, and has been praised by CNN as a “woman empowering others around the world.” As the host of the long-running self-talk podcast WANTcast: The Women Against Negative Talk Podcast, Katie tackles subjects like loneliness, jealousy, and self-worth, and interviews visionary women about taking a proactive approach to life’s high highs and low lows.
The Kim Gravel Show is a top women’s lifestyle podcast where Kim shares her message of confidence and encouragement with a side of laughter and fun. The show features inspiring, topical conversations with thought leaders, CEOs, and celebrities tailored to give listeners the insight they need to help them discover their purpose, find their confidence, and love who they are. On each episode Kim tackles the topics that women care about in a way that will make you laugh, make you think, and help you see your life in a new, more positive way.
The Kim Gravel Show is a celebration of the stories that shape us. It's about laughing together and not taking ourselves too seriously. It's about the wisdom we've gathered and the hardships we've overcome. It's about looking at the woman you see in the mirror and remembering that she is beautiful inside and out. This is a show about remembering that no matter what you’ve been through you can love who you are right now.
Y’all, life is hard, but we can do it together.
